Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Brand New Look- Same Ol' Me!!!!

How about my new header folks? Sounds kinda dirty I know, but that's actually what that thingy at the top is called. KUDOS to my friends Tammy Harrell and Robin DeVido for their graphic artistry and creativity in designing my header. I REALLY like saying that word!!!!!!! I especially like the fact that Tammy took a picture of me and made me into a cartoon character. She must have used a recently Botoxed shot of me 'cause my forehead and eyes are wrinkle free in the header. LOVE THAT!!!!!! Now, when I go for my real Botox tomorrow afternoon, I'm going to take a picture of the header and ask the chick if she can make my wrinkles magically disappear just like me in the header.

Anyway, sure hope you like the new design. Not bad for a technology dinosaur like me, who a few short months ago didn't even know what a blog was, or even how to upload pictures. I'm on a roll baby!!!!!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Busted at Da Krispy Kreme- Part II

If you remember, in early November 2011, I wrote a post about getting busted at Da Krispy Kreme when I tried to get free doughnuts with Ryan's report card when he wasn't with me because he was sick. Take a gander through the archives if you get a chance and read that one again. Here in the south, kids get a free doughnut for every A that they earn on their report card. The lady with the 5 tooth smile behind the counter wouldn't give me the free doughnuts, explaining that, "the chiil haz to be wif you". I was completely mortified thinking that everyone in the joint thought I was trying to pull a fast one over on Da Krispy Kreme. They probably also thought my kid was a dumb ass because after I handed her his report card, everyone saw me reach into my purse and pay for the damn doughnuts. Yea, I know what they were thinkin'- Geez, no A's for her kid, she actually has to PAY for her doughnuts.

Well today we DID pull a fast one over on Da Krispy Kreme. It was report card day again and Conner drives himself to get his free doughnuts. The way the high school report cards are designed, they list the grade for your final exam, as well as your final grade for the class. The rule at Krispy Kreme is a free doughnut of your choice for every A, up to 6 doughnuts for every customer. The lady behind the counter started counting up his A's, but she was also counting his final exam grades, instead of just his grade in the class. When she counted to 9, she said the maximum was 6 and allowed him to pick 6 doughnuts. How did we pull a fast one? Because he only got 3 A's as his final course grades, so in reality, he was only entitled to 3 free doughnuts. WHOO WEE, the kid got twice as many as he deserved!!!! I call that sweet redemption baby for making me feel like a complete asshole a few months ago when I couldn't get free doughnuts for my sick chiil 'cause he wasn't wif me!!!!!!!! And damn if they don't taste twice as good this time around.

Image via: Google Images

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Movie Night

Yesterday afternoon my friend Grayson and I went to see "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". At the risk of ruining the movie for you, I expected much more from two Oscar winning actors Tom Hanks and Sandra Bullock. But, I love me an early afternoon movie, getting out when it's still daylight, then going for afternoon cocktails. Ya gotta soak up all of that popcorn ya know, especially since we splurged and split a large one.

After a few errands, I was still in the movie mood, so I was scanning through the TV channels at home and found a four hour movie coming on Lifetime at 8 PM. YES, I did say four hours and I did say Lifetime. What is is about the Lifetime channel that just sucks you in???? I mean if the washed up, second rate actors and actresses don't give you a clue that the movie is going to be notoriously bad, I don't know what will. But I pay no never mind, I'm attracted to that station like flies on shit. I put on my comfy PJ's, pour me a jumbo glass of Cabernet, cover up with my favorite snugglie, and I'm ready for an evening of Oscar winning performances.

Now this "movie" was billed as a "miniseries" so I'm expecting GREATNESS!!!!! I think it was called "Bitter Blood" and it starred Kelly McGillis, who was Tom Cruise's love interest in "Top Gun" and who is now gay in real life. I don't know when this movie was filmed, but lemme tell ya, she took a complete nose dive from when she was in Top Gun. Nobody is gonna be singin' her, "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling" fo' sho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As always, this Lifetime miniseries becomes a train wreck that I can't look away from. I rarely EVAH stay up past 9 PM, but I'm invested in this stupid ass movie, so I keep on pouring more wine and my rational mind says "Deb, this is completely crazy, who cares how this movie ends"? However, the wacko, illogical Deb wins out as always and replies, "You CARE Deb because it's based on a TRUE STORY"!!!!!! Yeppers, that " based on a true story" crap gets me every single time. So I tell Conner to swing through McDonald's and get me a double cheeseburger on his way home from his high school dance. I'm in this gig for the long haul baby!!!!!!!!!

This AMAZING miniseries was about a couple who had two kids, got divorced, and ended up in a bitter custody dispute. The wife was a complete lunatic and moved to Winston-Salem, NC where she reconnected and fell in love with her first cousin who was a gun and bomb fanatic. The wife and cousin ended up killing 5 members of their immediate family so she could retain custody of the kids. But then the climatic conclusion. The cops are chasing the van in which the wife, cousin and two kids are fleeing. Folks, I'm sure you could give a rat's ass whether I ruin this ending for you huh? Then BOOM, the entire van blows up. Those crazy mother fuckers blew themselves up. I literally could NOT sleep last night thinking about those people blowing up those innocent children. I know it was only a Lifetime movie, but the tombstones at the end with those boys' names on it, just ripped my heart out. What kind of a monster does that? Blowing yourself up is one thing, but you don't blow up your kids!!!!!!!

Of course like all Lifetime movies, they flash up the dramatic "where are they now" statistics. They determined that the psycho MOM actually detonated the explosive device. Gee, thanks, now I won't sleep for weeks!!!!!  Then came the ol' disclaimer, "there are thousands of child custody disputes in the United States, the one you just witnessed was an extreme example". Ya think???? So folks, am I the only sucker who watches this crap, or am I just the only idiot who will actually admit to it?????

Friday, January 27, 2012

Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary

Forget about Wacky Wednesday folks, I should have launched Freaky Fridays after seeing this freak on Anderson Cooper's talk show this morning. WHOO WEE, is she ever a nut case!!!! I'm talkin' card carryin', certifiably CRRRRRAAAAAAAAZZZZZZYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Her name is Dr. Mary Hamer, and she is a 55 year old divorced radiologist from Florida. Her claim to fame is that she considers herself Joran van der Sloot's guardian angel, and has sent him close to $100,000 for his legal fees. In case you don't know him, he's the bastard who just admitted guilt in the murder of a woman named Stephany Flores in Peru, and is still the prime suspect in the 2005 disappearance of Natalee Holloway.

I have seen a couple of interviews with Dr. Hamer and she is completely out of touch with reality. She says she has an "unconditional love" for Joran and feels in her heart that he is innocent. When Anderson asked her today about why he confessed to the murder, she said he was framed. DAMN, that's the very first time I have EVAH heard a murderer use that excuse. How original!!!! Yeppers, Mary, Mary, quite contrary claims that Joran was lured to Peru under false pretenses and that someone else actually paid for his flight and gambling while he was there. She also claims that investigators are threatening his family and that he had no other choice but to confess to the murder. Hhhhhmmmmm, that crap might have worked on our jury system, but in Peru that son of a bitch had his head handed to him on a platter. Their system is a three judge system and he was facing three female Peruvian judges. I think his attorney knew that those women weren't gonna listen to his lyin' ass, and he better plead guilty or else he was facing life in the stony lonesome. He got off pretty damn lucky with 28 years.

OH MY GAWD, and check out these letters Joran and Mary send to each other. Joran tells Mary that she shows him love and respect and that he will never lie to her. He signs every letter with, "I love you". Then deranged Mary goes the extra mile and writes a song for Joran with these lyrics, "I will mend your wounds, I will heal your scars but I haven't kissed you yet". Now mind you, she insists there is no romantic connection because she is his spiritual advisor. They do discuss Gandhi quite frequently she says. I'm sure that discussion is filtered in nicely with all of the brainwashing.

Now folks, I ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I can usually figure out when someone's givin' me a line of bull shit. Guess she didn't learn that in medical school. This kook, who is supposedly an educated woman, is acting like some love struck teenager, and being played for a fool by a murderer. She even wrote letters to the prison system, Peruvian officials and President Obama saying that she wants Joran to come live with her so she can rehabilitate him. I would give that rehabilitation about 24 hours before ol' Mary, Mary, quite contrary is found six feet under her garden with silver bells and cockle shells and pretty maids all in a row.

Image via: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2077347/Joran-Van-der-Sloots-guardian-angel-Dr-Mary-Hamer-speaks-new-interview.html

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Whip-It, Whip-It Good!!!

So Demi Moore is hospitalized for "exhaustion" huh? Is that even a real medical diagnosis, 'cause I don't think my Blue Cross/Blue Shield medical insurance covers that? Damn, if it does I'm checkin' in too!!!! Think of that cushy treatment. A few shots of Vitamin B, a mandatory rest period, then crank you up with green tea and ginseng (also known as caffeine) and you are good to go!!!

Publicists just crack me up. How stupid do they think we really are????? Uh, I really don't think it's called exhaustion folks. Demi has been literally wasting away before our eyes for months, reports of her excessive partying have been all over the news, and now it seems as if she was actually rushed to the hospital after experiencing seizure like symptoms from inhaling nitrous oxide. Apparently this is a cheap thrill called a whip-it, which is uncommon in Demi's age group and social status. I guess poor Demi and her problems with Ashton truly turned her life into that famous Devo song. "When a problem comes along, you must whip it, before the cream sets out too long, you must whip it, when something's goin' wrong, you must whip it, I say whip it, whip it good"!!!!!

Now I could really believe the exhaustion part if there was no trouble in paradise between Demi and Ashton. Seriously, it must be completely exhausting to have a face and body that not only never ages, but actually gets hotter and more beautiful with every passing year. Think of the maintenance that it takes for near genetic perfection. I can't imagine how much Demi must have to work out, the constant dieting, master cleansing, dermatologists/plastic surgery visits etc. Then think of how exhausted she must be trying to please her man who is 15 years younger than her. Personally, that's the type of exhaustion I would gladly endure!!!! However, a middle aged woman can only take so much action, and obviously Ashton has a very healthy sexual appetite considering all his recent cheating escapades.

So, call it what you may, but I ain't buyin' it. This straight shootin' gal thinks poor Demi might be sufferin' from the ol' fashioned broken heart syndrome that led to excessive drinking, drugs, anorexia, and a bit of depression thrown in for good measure.

Image via: http://www.nypost.com/p/pagesix/teen_antics_tortured_demi_MqVcfXESoPi2G6Pd2SbzwJ

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Tighten, Tug and Tone

Welcome to the second edition of Wacky Wednesday!!! Today I thought I would let you in on my weight loss secret. It's just too good not to share. With this revolutionary new product, I lost over 250 pounds, without dieting, or surgical intervention. I literally can NOT put it down!!!!! After just one session, your endorphins will rise to climactic levels so much so that you will become an exercise addict. For all of you who made New Year's resolutions to exercise more, or to lose weight, this product is definitely for you!!! For the folks who currently exercise, but are in a rut, lemme tell ya, you will be energized beyond belief!!!! You will go to great lengths to pull out this product and use it whenever possible. Have you ever wanted your partner to bounce a quarter off your ass and have it hit the ceiling? Believe me, using this product regularly will allow you to see those kind of results in no time without an expensive gym membership!!! One word of caution- the muscles in your dominant arm do grow disproportionately larger than your other arm. Watch the following video. It will transform your life!!!!! 

Disclaimer: This entire post was written with sarcasm and my usual twisted and warped sense of humor, and in no way was intended to be an endorsement or a product review. Remember it IS Wacky Wednesday after all!!!!!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Treadmill to Hell

I've never been a gadget girl. In fact, I can barely figure out how to upload pictures to make this blog more interesting for all of you faithful readers. But I try the best I can. For Christmas, I asked Jeff for a new pair of pink ear buds to go with my ipod, circa 1990. For some bizarre reason, he thought I needed a new fangled ipod, when I was perfectly happy with my ancient relic. I really only listen to my ipod when I work out, and it is loaded with classic rock, 80's tunes and sprinkled with a few Disco hits. YES, I DID SAY DISCO!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I don't even know how to load songs on my ipod. It's not a skill that I even care to learn. If there's ever a current hit that I think is ipod worthy, I just tell my 16 year old son Conner to load it on there, and it magically appears somehow. I mean a girl's gotta have "Moves Like Jagger" on her ipod!!!!! But for some reason I decided to give this newcomer a shot. That required syncing the thing on the computer and checking off songs, things that make me sweat and require taking a Xanax. Conner was kind enough to help me through the process, but something went wrong, TERRIBLY wrong.

Yesterday as I was running on the treadmill, I used my new technology for the first time. I barely knew how to turn the sucker on, but I got rolling and things were OK, until the second song. I didn't recognize it but I kept on going thinking that was just a weird glitch. Then I got running at my fast pace and "Jungle Love" was playing by The Steve Miller Band. Aaaahhh cool, now we're back to normal. But then BAM, I was hit with a string of crazy ass songs that no one should EVAH have to hear in their entire life. I have included my all time favorite for you below.

Yes, imagine running to Wynona's Big Brown Beaver?????? Apparently that is sung by a group called Primus, who I never heard of, along with another classic hit, which is now on my ipod called "The Ol' Diamond Back Sturgeon". Whew, that's a keeper too!!!!! Lemme tell ya I sure was lovin' me some "Bulls on Parade" by Rage against the Machine. That just pumped me up to go the extra mile. Actually when my workout was over, I was thinking that if the treadmill really moved, I ran straight to hell 'cause if that ain't devil music I don't know what is!!!!!!

In case you're wondering how these masterpieces got onto my ipod, they are my hubby's twisted and grotesque music choices. Somehow, my song list got synced with his list, and now I have all of his deranged music on my ipod. Now you know why I have a love/hate relationship with technology. I also think a song I now proudly have on my ipod explains Jeff's choice in music, and perhaps his mental health as well, since he actually chooses to listen to this shit. It's called "Down with the Sickness" by Disturbed. 'Nuf Said!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 23, 2012

Adding Insult to Injury

Did you hear that the owners of the Costa Concordia are offering a 30% discount on future cruises to survivors of the disaster? WOW, I'm sure all 4,200 people on board that ship are lining up for that amazingly gracious offer fo' sho!!! I mean you are on a cruise, the ship sinks, your life is in danger, you are lucky to survive, and the cruise line then offers you a discount to take a future cruise. What a damn hair brained marketing tool to try to save your ass from getting sued!!!! That's like being in a plane crash and the airline announcing, "Congratulations, all survivors will receive 2 free first-class airline tickets anywhere in the continental United States..... some restrictions apply".

Oh and not only that, but representatives from Carnival, the ship's parent company, have been calling passengers daily asking if they have been suffering migraines, nightmares, or sleepless nights. Psychologists have warned that this type of questioning can actually trigger post traumatic stress, rather than relieve it. I don't know who is doing Carnival's damage control, but they really might want to rethink their game plan. Like my Daddy always says, "They are up shit creek without a paddle"!!!!!

However, there is good news for Captain Schettino, also known as Chicken of the Sea. An attractive blond woman named Domnica Cemortan has come to his defense saying he was not one of the first people to have left the ship as he is being charged. She says she was with the Captain at the time it is claimed he abandoned ship. Hhhhhhhhmmmmmmm................ wonder if there's more to that story??????????? Guess we'll find out if we hear about the Captain's wife goin' after him with a golf club.

P.S. A very special thank you to my good friend Erin for hooking me up with this blog worthy material.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Land of the Free and the Home of the Taxed

Ya gotta love the Liberty Tax mascots. I'm sure you have them in your town as well. They are EVERYWHERE representing America, land of the free and home of the taxed!!!!! They are out there dancin', jivin', and gettin' down with their bad selves come January 1st all the way through til tax day.

The other day I was at my local coffee shop, and in walked this Liberty Tax guy. Hey, even the statue of liberty needs a coffee break every now and then. You know me, I jumped out of my seat, grabbed my cell phone, and asked him if I could take a picture right by the pastry counter. He was happy to oblige. I'm sure he got cranked up on his caffeine and went right back to his favorite traffic corner and danced the afternoon away drawing in customers like no body's business.

Now there's a little known fact about me that I'm willing to share with all of you loyal readers. I have a mascot fetish. There's just somethin' about getting dressed up like a giant orange, or a slice of pizza or a big ass rooster that would thrill me to no end!!!!! I think it's the fact that I would be anonymous in that suit and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. So, when those liberty tax folks started making their appearance on the sides of the road, I thought how awesome that would be to get in that costume and just dance all day.

I told my friend Grayson how cool I thought that would be, and she said I wouldn't even last a day. That sounded like a dare to me. She even sweetened the deal by saying she would gather up some of my friends and do many drive bys to keep my energy level up. You got it folks!!!! I picked up the phone and called a local branch of Liberty Tax and asked if they were still hiring for the mascot.

The lady on the phone was friendly enough. She said she would ask, and I heard her yell back to a coworker, "Hey are we still hiring for the laborer position"? Uh, excuse me, but WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY LADY????????????????? Did you just call your mascot a LABORER?????? I was so offended that I hung up on her. I mean seriously folks. I have a Bachelor of Science degree, and a Law degree, and I was willing to dress up like the Statue of Liberty to get my rocks off, but how DARE you call me a LABORER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I really don't know what I expected. I certainly didn't expect full medical, dental, 6 weeks paid vacation, or even anything other than mere minimum wage. However, I did hope for a little respect. I mean I did actually WANT to dress up like the Statue of Liberty, I WANTED to make a complete ass out of myself on the side of the road, I WANTED to showcase my dance moves and act like a complete lunatic during working hours, and I WANTED to get my jollies by doing so. You just don't need to be calling me a laborer you bitch. How about crazy domestic goddess with weird mascot fetish? Or even wacko lady who obviously needs mental help? Either of those names would have been better than the label she put on me.

I guess I'll just have to wait for another mascot opportunity to arise. Perhaps McDonalds feels as if the Hamburglar is higher up the food chain than a mere laborer.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Debbie Git Yur Gun


Yeppers, that's the look I was sportin' when Jeff got home from work yesterday. He thought he was a dead man. Lucky for him, he was not the source of my anger. For the past several mornings at about 5 am, I would hear critters jumping on our roof and then scampering around above my bed. This was all too familiar to me, 'cause there have been many a squirrel in our attic before. I know the makins' of a squirrel comin' in for the winter and the bastards ain't makin' no nest inside my house.

There is a dude in town who bills himself out as a "wildlife control specialist". He's been to my house many times to get these furry rodents out of my attic. He sets his traps, he comes the next day and takes the LIVE squirrel away, I pay him 50 bucks, and he goes on his merry way. The last time he was here I asked him what he was going to do with that little bastard that caused me so much aggravation. He looked at me like I was absolutely insane and replied, "I'm going to take it down the street and let it go of course". What a fucking waste of 50 bucks!!!!!! No wonder the guy stays in business. The damn rodents are going to keep coming back if you don't teach those suckers a lesson. Haven't they ever heard of capital punishment????? If the entire rodent family learns that one of their own ain't comin' back to gather nuts for dinner after rummaging through someone's attic, they are less likely to do the crime.

Now a girl can only take so much, especially when she's PMS'ing. So, after hearing that varmint having a virtual PAR-TAY in my attic for several days, I decided to take the law into my own hands. One of the advantages to being married to a West Virginia redneck is we got us some guns, plenty of 'em. I put on one of the hubby's camo shirts and hats to get myself in the mood, pulled out a 22, loaded that mother, and went huntin' in the attic for my dinner.

You may think I'm kidding about the dinner part, but I'm dead serious. Back in the old days when Jeff and I were dirt poor living in a trailer in West Virginia, he would go out and hunt squirrels quite frequently. I became the Julia Child of squirrel pot pie. And yes folks, it tastes just like chicken!!!! Unfortunately, I came up empty handed yesterday in my hunt. That damn squirrel scampered out the way he came in as soon as I opened the attic door. But I'm undeterred. I'm packin' some heat and not afraid to use it. And I'm here to tell ya I still got that same ol' pressure cooker from the trailer days waitin' on stand by.

Plus as my friend Thom pointed out, the antenna on my redneck mustang is just beggin' for a bushy tail!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Chicken of the Sea

There's Captain Francesco Schettino, of the sunken cruise ship Costa Concordia, who is now being dubbed the most hated man in Italy. Some people are calling him Captain Coward, or my favorite, Chicken of the Sea, for saving his own ass, while risking the lives of others. As the Tuna Helpers say, "certainly a chicken wasn't meant to rule the sea". Over 4,200 people's lives were at stake while the cruise liner was going down, 11 people are confirmed dead, 21 people are still missing, but the best excuse chicken shit Captain Schettino could come up with was that he tripped and fell from the sinking ship into the life boat. Perhaps he should have been wearing one of those emergency necklaces that say, "HELP, I've fallen and I can't get up".

Obviously the loser never read the classic 1897 novel Captains Courageous or saw any of the spin off movies, and clearly he took no lessons from Captain Edward Smith who went down with the Titanic. Even when the Coast Guard demands that he climb the pilot ladder, get back on board, and help the people that are still on the sinking ship, he refuses, saying it is too dark and he is staying in the rescue boat. You know where this is going don't ya folks? He needs the clapper light. Clap on, clap off. If he had some light, things may have turned out differently. Uh yeah, I doubt it. A coward is a coward, and unless he got some courage from the Wizard of Oz his sweet ass was stayin' in the rescue boat.

Seriously, there is just no excuse for this guy. He admittedly caused the accident by steering too close to shore so he could salute a retired captain. I'm thinkin' there's about 4,200 people and their families who want to give ol' Captain Coward a different kind of salute right about now.

 Here's an Italian citizen wearing a t-shirt that translates to "Go on board, damn it!". I think that pretty much sums it up for Francesco. It's going to be interesting to see whether Chicken of the Sea actually goes to trial for manslaughter, or whether the citizens of Italy will do the ol' Italian job on him first. His fate may have been better goin' down with the ship 'cause I've seen some movies, and I don't want no Italian mafia types comin' after me fo' sho!!!! Captain Coward might be shark bait real damn soon.

Images via: http://news.nationalpost.com/2012/01/18/costa-concordia-captain-claims-he-tripped-and-fell-from-sinking-italian-cruise-ship-into-lifeboat/

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire!!!!

Welcome to the very first edition of Wacky Wednesday!!!!! I have decided to devote Wednesdays to news of the weird, wacky, strange and outrageous. Lord knows I will NEVAH be at a loss for material!!!

Since Casey Anthony's psychological evaluations were unsealed just a few days ago, I thought it was quite appropriate that she be given the distinct honor as my first subject to launch Wacky Wednesday. Let's face it folks, there ain't nobody wackier than that chick!!! She even has a new video on YouTube where she's sportin' some short blonde hair and she talks about her new dog, computer and camera. Go check it out.

I watched Dr. Drew on HLN the night her mental evaluations were released and I have a whole new appreciation for that guy. DAMN, if he isn't a straight shooter. You know I love me some straight up talkin'!!!! The general consensus between Dr. Drew and the other shrinks on the show was that Casey is a narcissist and a female psychopath, which is apparently extremely rare. Well I ain't no expert, but I been around the block a few times, and I can say for certain she's one crazy, messed up bitch!!! WHEW, and can that girl ever tell some lies. She epitomizes that old catch phrase "Liar, liar, pants on fire"!!!!! 

So check this out. Kooky Casey originally told everyone that date rape was the cause of her pregnancy and she didn't know the identity of Caylee's father. Uh, excuse me, so either you didn't know the name of your date, or exactly how many times were you date raped that you wouldn't know who the father could be??? Guess the kook gets around. Then she claims at her trial that her father George molested her until about age 11 or 12, but then she feared that he may have impregnated her at age 18 and may be Caylee's father. So, I guess the sexual abuse didn't end at 11 or 12. I'm confused. Oh and don't forget she also claimed her brother sexually abused her as well.

OH MY GAWD, then those whopper tales of how Caylee died. The wacko told one story that George murdered Caylee while Casey was "sleeping hard" and he hid the body. Another fabrication was that George held Caylee underwater and flipped out on Casey saying her Mom was going to be pissed at her. But then Casey started playing nice, and said simply that George came into the house holding Caylee's dead body after she drowned and said that, "Daddy will make it better". Lemme get this straight- it goes from mystery murder, to cold blooded murder, to accidental drowning. Got it!

Of course there was absolutely no evidence to support any of the sexual abuse allegations, or that George had anything to do with Caylee's death. Now can you imagine if Casey ever tries to repair her relationship with her family? The conversation may go something like, "Hey Dad and Bro, sorry for throwing you under the bus on the abuse and murder thing, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do ya know". "And Mom, you totally rock for lying on the stand about that whole chloroform deal. Guess I'm a chip off the ol' block, huh?" "I just adopted a new dog but it's really getting in the way of my partying lifestyle. Anybody up for a little dirty deed done dirt cheap?" "Come on, it'll be just like old times".

Now Wacky Wednesday wouldn't be complete without my favorite lyric from Billy Currington's song, "God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Images via: http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/caylee-anthony/ and https://www.google.com/search?tbm=isch&hl=en&source=hp&biw=1024&bih=650&q=wacky+wednesday+text&gbv=2&oq=wacky+wednesday+text&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&gs_sm=s&gs_upl=1678l9534l0l12018l20l20l0l4l4l0l292l2793l4.4.8l16l0

Monday, January 16, 2012

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

Anyone watch the Golden Globes last night? I really only tune in to see the stars walk the red carpet and talk to mighty midget Ryan Seacrest. I mean seriously, it's really just a fashion show anyway. So, as I sat in my designer velour leisure suit from Sam's Club, I took notes for y'all. You can then compare my redneck opinions to E's best and worst dressed list tonight and see how I stack up.

Tilda Swinton, pictured above, wins for the best impersonation of a member of the Flock of Seagulls. She's either that, or David Bowie in drag, I'm not sure which. Zooey Deschanel wins for most creative fingernails with her tuxedo painted nails. Michelle Williams takes the prize for the dress most resembling my grandmother's curtains, and Emma Stone with her low voice and masculine aura, wins for just being a dude in a fugly dress.

Seriously now, the best dressed award has to go to Charlize Theron, despite the big ass bow on her waist that looked like an extra appendage. There really should be a law for anyone to be that stunningly gorgeous. A close second was Kate Beckinsale. Everyone made such a big deal when Brad and Angelina arrived that you would have thought it was the second coming of Christ. Angelina's dress was so tight she could barely move, and she walked like she had a stick up her ass. It had a bright red envelope looking thing on the top of it where I think the Foreign Press Association kept all of the winners hidden until show time.

OH MY GAWD, then came Lea Michele, the actress from Glee. She was lovin' her some Lea Michele and the dress she chose for the big event SO much that she was striking some Marilyn Monroe poses on the red carpet like nobody's business. There was so much self lovin' goin' on there that I'm quite certain she had to excuse herself to go climax all by her lonesome.

One thing I do know for sure, 2012 was definitely the year of skin tight mermaid dresses with feathers on the bottom. And I can tell ya folks, there ain't a pair of Spanx to be found within a 200 mile radius of Hollywood right now.

Images via: http://www.digitalspy.com/celebrity/i385244-8/best--worst-dressed-at-the-golden-globes-berenice-bejo.html

Sunday, January 15, 2012

There She is...... Miss America!!!!!

Congratulations to Laura Kaeppeler, the cheesehead, who was crowned Miss America 2012 last night. WHOO HOO!!!!!!! And yes folks the blond is Miss America 2011 crowning her successor. Her claim to fame is that at 17 she was the youngest person ever to win the title. DAMN, her claim to fame should be that at age 18, she is the youngest person ever to look like she's 35. I guess that job of being Miss America takes its toll on a girl.

I love me a good beauty pageant. All those gorgeous babes struttin' their stuff, and pimpin' themselves out in front of the judges in their pursuit of the big title, and the fame and fortune that goes with it. Last night I was really pullin' for Miss SC, the former 234 pounder, who now looks rockin' hot in her bikini. But it was not meant to be. Let's be realistic here folks. You just know what her future holds. We're talkin' a few bags of pork rinds, a week's supply of corn dogs, and a freezer full of Hagan Daz to drown her sorrows.

My favorite line of the night was Miss Illinois who stated that the point of the evening gown competition was to "showcase the body I've worked so hard on". Hhhhhhmmmmm besides starving yourself, exercising until you pass out, and doing the master cleanse, how else do you describe fitting into a size 0 gown? But hey, it's all for the sake of being crowned Miss America!!!!

Now I did admire the winner's platform. She wants to help children of incarcerated adults, because her Dad spent 18 months in the big house for mail fraud. Can't you just see that bodacious babe walkin' into the stoney lonesome with her sash and crown doing some mentoring. Holy God, those thugs will be goin' outta their damn tree when she walks by their cells. She better take a water resistant shield with her for all the bodily fluids that are going to be launched her way.

And what's a beauty pageant without the ever present fall out scandals. Stay tuned folks 'cause some contestant is sure to have posed nude for some magazine, or someone will do something "inappropriate" like partying too much, opposing same sex marriage, or endorsing a product not of the caliber thought to be of the quality of a beauty queen.

Image via: http://content.usatoday.com/communities/entertainment/post/2012/01/miss-america-pageant-crowns-2012-winner-/1

Saturday, January 14, 2012

The Cheatin' Heart

John Edwards claims he has a serious heart condition that will require a medical procedure next month, and his illness limits his travel, including travel for an upcoming court case over charges that he concealed nearly $1 million from wealthy campaign donors used to help hide his pregnant mistress during his 2008 White House run. His cardiologist even wrote two letters about this serious medical condition to the judge. The doctor's letters and other medical records have been kept under seal by the court.

With damn good reason I say!!!!! Call me a cynic, but I have been searching in vain in the physician's desk reference, and all over the internet, but I can't find one teensy, weensy, bit of information on the medical condition called, "I'm a fucking, lyin', cheatin' bastard and I can't stand the heat so I'm gettin' my ass outta the kitchen". Now I do know a lot of people who suffer from that disease, but at some point in your life, you gotta face the music.

First pretty boy lies about his affair, then he lies about fathering his love child, all in his quest to be president of the good ol' USA. Oh yeah, and did I mention that his wife was dying of cancer this entire time? Yeppers, he's a stand up guy that any American would be proud to call their commander in chief.

Well I say, if Mr. cheatin' heart ain't well enough to travel to his trial, take the trial to him. He's quite familiar with the bedroom, so keep him in his comfort zone (minus the bimbos he's used to entertaining in the boudoir). Have the jury set up chairs all around his bedside and the judge keep watch at the foot of his bed. There would still be plenty of space for the lawyers to hash it all out. And since there already was that famous video made of ol' Johnny boy and his mistress Rielle, I'm sure he wouldn't even object to bringing cameras in to film the whole scene. Hell, he could make even more millions off the deal, being the first live trial from a scumbag's bedroom. Court TV would be all over this!!!!!

Image via: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2086437/John-Edwards-heart-surgery-Serious-medical-condition-delays-1m-lovechild-trial.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Friday, January 13, 2012

Redneck Riviera

Ain't that purty? That's what my cement pond looked like this morning. Ya know in the middle of the night, I kept hearing the wind whippin' and howlin', but I paid no never mind. I just rolled over and went back to la la land. There were some strange noises, but after a few Jack Daniels, that's par for the course from my bed partner.

This time it wasn't Jeff makin' those noises. It was the damn wind blowing all of our pool furniture into the pool, as well as half the pine needles from all the surrounding pine trees. One lounge chair even sunk to the bottom of our 10 foot deep cement pond. Ryan was the first person to discover this mess at 7am while it was a balmy 38 degrees. I asked both boys if they were ready to take the polar plunge to fish out the chairs. Neither one jumped at the chance. Now I really don't know why since the thermometer said the pool water was 54 degrees. I mean that would feel like bath water in comparison to the outside temperature. Give them boys a bottle of shampoo and some soap, and they would be good to go for the day.

But I gave them a break since they had to go to school. When it warmed up a bit, I got on my belly, reached out and was able to rescue 3 of the chairs without even getting wet. The other 2 were a different story. I'm thinkin' someone is goin' in.

However, Uncle Jeffy, aka MacGyver, comes home from a long day's work and rigs up a big 'ol pole and goes fishin' for some furniture. And I'll be damned if he doesn't catch him 2 big ass chairs, even the blue one that sunk to the bottom. Ya gotta love livin' in The Redneck Riviera!!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Hostess with the Mostess

It's a sad day indeed when Hostess files bankruptcy for the second time in a decade. Apparently one of the biggest problems is health conscious Americans favoring yogurt and energy bars over those delicious dessert cakes and white bread. DAMN, last time I checked there was a shit load of obese people right here in the good ol' USA. They must be chowing the hell out of some energy bars!!!!!!

In my opinion, they would get more bang for their buck with good ol' fashioned Hostess products. I mean seriously folks, ya can't go wrong with Ding Dongs, Twinkies, Ho Ho's, Drakes Cakes, Sno Balls, Hostess fruit pies and Wonder bread. The real beauty of Twinkies is that there is virtually no expiration date. The shelf life is even longer than Joan Rivers' list of plastic surgery procedures. I read an article that describes Twinkies as cakes filled with unidentifiable sugary cream filling that never goes bad. See, now that is the shit you want to stock your shelves with in case of a nuclear attack!!!!!

When I was in college, I thought Hostess was part of the food pyramid. Ho Ho's, Ding Dongs
and the occasional Twinkie were definitely a food group as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately, my ass grew to the size of West Virginia, and I figured out pretty quickly why my boyfriend suffered some serious shrinkage in times of intimacy. Whenever he put his hand on my ever expanding thigh, the look of disgust on his face said it all. Meanwhile, I just reached for another Ho Ho, and thought damn it all to hell 'cause that chocolaty delight was givin' me MUCH more pleasure than he was!!!!!!!

Now the good news is that Hostess says it does not expect any disruptions in the delivery and sale of its products while in bankruptcy. So come on folks, let's help save this American icon. Do your part. Go out and buy those Hostess treats NOW!!!! Remember "the snack with the snack in the middle" will "give you a big delight in every bite".

Image via:http://money.cnn.com/2012/01/11/news/companies/hostess_bankruptcy/

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Goin' to a Go Go!!!!!

DAMN, this story reminded me of that Rolling Stones song, "Going to a go go everybody, Going to a go go, It doesn't matter if you're black, It doesn't matter if you're white, Take a dollar fifty, A six pack of beer, And we goin' dance all night". And that's exactly what 6 year old Alana Holler does after she drinks her special concoction her mother June calls go-go juice. After being questioned today on Inside Edition, June, who should be awarded Mother of the Year, admitted that go-go juice is a mixture of Mt. Dew and Red Bull.

Let me tell ya folks, after seeing little Alana come alive after gulping a bottle of that liquid crack I'm convinced these toddlers and tiaras are forces to be reckoned with!!! That precious darlin' was spinnin' around on the floor like someone just wound the key on her back and let her go ape shit. She put the energizer bunny to shame. And to hear her talk is a real pleasure. Her speech is almost incoherent, so obviously that caffeine/sugar combination is doing wonders for her!!! But hey, it's all in the name of winning pageants, and that folks means EVERYTHING!!!!!! Let's drug up our kids and WIN at all costs. All of us parents should take a lesson from June. Whether your kids play sports, are competing in academics, music, art or whatever, give them a shot or two of this magic go-go juice to crank them up and watch them go hog wild. Personally I'm giving both my kids an IV filled with that special juice 'cause baseball season is starting for Conner and he damn well better hit a home run every game. Ryan is gearin' up for soccer and I want to see some headers go straight into that goal baby!!!!!!!

  Now how about Momma June pictured there? I can think of another reality show she might want to audition for, and it ain't the one she's currently on. If the The Biggest Loser is looking for contestants, her energy might be better served there than druggin' up her kid to win a beauty pageant. Just sayin'.

However, little Alana does say that she wants to win pageants to make money because "a dollar makes me holler honey boo boo". I think we can all see where little Alana may end up in a few years huh? If a dollar makes ya holler honey, just imagine the hollerin'  you can do after gettin' cranked up on that go-go juice and struttin' your stuff around a stripper pole. Little honey boo boo sounds like a rockin' hot stage name!!!!

Images via:http://www.bellenews.com/2012/01/06/world/us-news/pageant-mother-is-doping-her-6-year-old-daughter-for-toddlerstiaras-show/

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Who Rule the Maternity Floor?

Borrowing a few lines from Beyonce's song Who Rule the World- "Who run the maternity floor, Who run this motha, Who run the world"? Well, it appears as if you are Jay-Z and Beyonce, and you have $1.3 million, YOU DO!!!!! Yeppers, news reports are saying that the power duo paid the big bucks at swanky Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC to seal off a wing of the maternity floor, which included bullet proof glass and security when Beyonce delivered her baby girl on Saturday night.

Now that's all fine and dandy, but last time I checked we lived in a free country where you can't impinge on other people's rights just 'cause you got more money than God. I guess those superstars didn't get that memo and think they are some kinda special!!! So, not only did they have their own security, security cameras in the hospital were covered up so no one could see the diva Beyonce, and hospital workers on her floor were instructed to remove their cellular phones.

Then they pissed off a bunch of folks!!!! Many new parents and grandparents described the maternity floor where Beyonce was holed up as a virtual lockdown. Those folks voiced their frustrations over security measures that delayed or completely prevented them from visiting their own newborn babies. None so much though as Neil Coulton, whose wife delivered twin girls who had to be placed in the neo-intensive care unit (NICU) and was repeatedly kept from seeing his children by security guards of Beyonce and Jay-Z. On one occasion he was held back 20 minutes from visiting the NICU because the power couple wanted to use the hallway.

Ya know, maybe a public hospital wasn't the place for Beyonce to deliver her baby. I'm thinkin' more like a private island they own and rule where she could wear her tiara and be waited on hand and foot by her ladies in waiting. Jay-Z, the king, could set his own damn laws and behead anyone who disobeyed him. They could have security guards lining every inch of the island, and if anyone uninvited dared to set one toe on their precious sand, "OFF WITH THEIR HEAD"!!!!!!!!

Now I'm here to tell ya what would have happened if one of my kids was born at the same time as Beyonce's baby. My West Virginia redneck husband would NOT have taken kindly to anyone keepin' him away from his new baby, and neither would his kin folk. So, them there security guards may have had some fancy guns, but they would have been introduced to a West Virginia beatdown. For those of you who are unaware, that's poppin' the top on an old fashioned can of whoop ass and crackin' some bones wide ass open!!!!!! Let's just say those sawed off broomsticks that are kept in every good 'ol boys' car would have been sweepin' up some security guard shit on that maternity floor.   I'd take odds that my redneck buddies would be rulin' that motha!!!!!!!!!

Image via IGossip

Monday, January 9, 2012


The Saturday after New Year's has been my traditional Christmas Crap party for many years. So this past Saturday, 30 girl friends gathered at my house to drink Debosas and laugh our asses off as we unveiled and exchanged our crappiest, trashiest, shittiest gifts that we received this year. You would not believe the CRAP people get for Christmas!!!!!!

You know, I thought I was the only person on earth who received utter shit for Christmas, mostly ugly Christmas sweaters and lesbian wear from my mother. Then one day I was talking to friends, and they said they received tacky gifts too. So, my idea was born!!!!! Let's get together and exchange this crap and have fun laughing about it.

The picture above shows some of this year's coveted items. We had some delicious white zinfandel and other rot gut wine, a hand painted tray, monogrammed "U" napkins that were given to a lady whose last name starts with an "N", something to help cure smelly feet, a snoring Santa, a Santa in a skirt, a fan, a drawer organizer and a hideous picture frame. You can also see the red Christmas sweater that was actually recrapped from several crap parties ago. And yes, I DID receive that as a gift from my mother. Very nice, huh????????

By far, the craptacular award this year goes to my friend Grayson, who received a present from a guy at a gift exchange. The guy called the gift "date night". It included a can of Schlitz malt liquor, Flirtini wine spritzers and a bag of beef jerkey. Grayson said she guesses the beef jerkey was redneck fillet. For good measure Grayson threw in a half empty bottle of chocolate wine. Whew, the poor girl who opened that gift got the crap of her life!!!!!

Now we also have mascots at my crap party. On the left is a Sugar Loaf Kostume Kid that my friend Vanessa's daughter won out of a claw machine several years ago. The poor child was so traumatized by that THANG (1/2 monkey, 1/2 human) that we decided to use it as our official crap mascot. That is until 2 years ago when my friend Jenny upped the bar and brought the CREME OF THE CRAP. We named her Velour and she is on the right. A 70 year old woman went to classes and made this doll for Jenny. It is anatomically correct as you can see, complete with boobs, pubic and underarm hair. My friend Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! was nice enough to remove her underarm hair last year to give her more sex appeal.

The party is truly a hoot and this year the brunch lasted a full 11 hours for those who were brave enough to hang in there for the after party. For anyone who leaves early or is a no-show, it's just not
safe. After most people leave, the after party folks gather all the crappiest gifts and split them up into several bags. We get a designated driver (usually one of our husbands) and we drop off the shit at their house. That's called "getting crapped". It's all in good fun. This year we got caught crapping a no show, and she was a good sport about the whole deal.

As for me, I'm still trying to recover from having to wear yet another hideous Christmas sweater my Mom bought me, and I keep finding all kinds of crap hidden in my house that my friends left me as special surprises. That chocolate wine is freakin' nasty!!!!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012

Are You Smarter Than A Wal-Mart Shopper?

There's the mug shot folks of Michael Anthony Fuller, the 53 year old dude who tried to pay for his Wal-Mart purchases in Lexington, NC with a $1 million bill. Now I think the mug shot says it all. The guy obviously REALLY thought there was such a thing as a $1 million bill. As they say here in the south, "Bless his heart".

In case you have not heard the story, Mr. Fuller walked around Wal-Mart and bought a vacuum cleaner, a microwave, and a few other items totaling $476, and tried to pay the cashier with a $1 million bill. When she questioned him about the legitimacy of the bill, he insisted it was real. DAMN, I sure would have liked to take off with that $999,524.00 in change. I could have gone to Target and done some serious damage with that loot. Hell, I might have had some left over to go to Big Lots to buy some real good quality swag.

What I'm wonderin' is where in the hell this guy got his hands on a $1 million bill? Certainly not in Monopoly. Even in the vintage Monopoly game that I have, the largest denomination of money is a $500 bill. I guess Michael didn't get the memo that since 1969, the largest bill the US Treasury has in circulation is the $100 bill. The fact still remains that he was smart enough to obtain this bill. Hhhhhhhmmmmmmm so who or where is the source of the big bucks???????? 

I gotta tell ya, if I knew there were $1 million bills layin' around, I would get me a big ol' pile of 'em and buy me a house in Beverly Hills with a cement pond. I might even get me a chateau in the Swiss Alps just to say I could 'cause that sounds all classy. But for now, I'll keep tabs on whether Mr. Fuller makes bail with a $100,000 bill. If so, I'm stalkin' the dude 'cause I wanna know the name of his supplier!!!!!!! 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Motown and Mustangs

The other day my 16 year old son Conner and I were stopped at a traffic light and heard a booming noise in the car next to us. I turned down the stereo in my own car so we could receive the pleasure of whoever was jammin' out beside us, expecting to hear some rap or hip hop at max volume. Instead, it was a man of about 65, totally grey, with a cigarette hangin' out of his mouth, driving a fairly new white Mustang, and he sure as hell wasn't listenin' to anything we expected.

Conner looked at me in horror and asked, "WHAT IS THAT"??????? I replied, "That son is called vintage Motown". Diana Ross and The Supremes to be exact. Yea, picture a guy in a muscle car head bangin' to "You Can't Hurry Love". That's like a hook up between Bill Clinton and Sarah Palin. It just doesn't fit. I mean seriously, the guy may as well belly up to a biker bar and order some frozen concoction with a fruit skewer and an umbrella.

I feel fairly confident that I can speak about this subject. You see, I own that Mustang pictured above. Before we purchased that vehicle, I never really knew what a Mustang was, being more the Toyota SUV type. But, now I know for absolute certainty that a Mustang is the most f#!@ing redneck car on the planet!!!!! When I crank up that 300 horsepower engine and all of my surrounding neighbors can hear me, my shoulders broaden a bit, and my chest puffs out, and I'm here to tell ya I ain't in the mood for Motown. More like some George Thorogood's "Bad to the Bone" or Molly Hatchet's "Flirtin' with Disaster". There's just somethin' about that damn car that screams bad ass!!!!!

And the new friends I have made since I've owned that 'stang have been really cool. The guys with the rat tails and mullets have come out of the woodwork to tell me how awesome my car is. I'm quite certain they don't listen to Motown either in their muscle cars. So I'm thinkin' the dude in the white Mustang might want to trade that bad boy in for something more suitable to his music style. A Prius perhaps?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Hot N Cold

They're "hot n they're cold, they're yes n they're no, they fight n break up, they kiss n make up". Except it looks like this time their "fireworks are never gonna shoot across the sky". AAAAhhhhhh, Katy Perry and Russell Brand seemed to be LIVING a Katy Perry song, didn't they? I just don't understand why they would be getting divorced. I mean really, two people who obviously have lost their plot and popped their top, (that's British slang for CRAZY), are obviously meant for each other!!!!

What could have been the deciding factor? She is gorgeous and has a bodacious bod!!!!! But word on the street is that Russell is tired of her hard partyin' lifestyle.  Ah Hah, so she's really all fur coat and no knickers. That's British slang for superficially beautiful but actually sleazy. Now come on Russell, she did "kiss a girl and like it". I thought all guys loved that shit!!!!! Or maybe he needs some more stability. It must be hard going to sleep with a brunette, and not knowing whether you are going to wake up beside a chick with purple hair, blue hair, or hair the color of cotton candy.

And what Russell lacks in the looks department, he more than makes up for with that awesome British accent and randy sense of humor. What woman could turn that down? Perhaps it's all that nasty hair. Maybe Katy is tired of firin' up the weed whacker every time Russell needs some man scapin'.

 Twitter photo of Brandi Glanville and her new husband, Darin Harvey.
Well at least one couple is now living the life of a Katy Perry song. Brandi Glanville married some guy in a drunken haze this past weekend in Sin City. Just like Katy says, "That's what you get for waking up in Vegas".

Photos via Google Images and Twitter