Saturday, December 31, 2011

Out With The Old, In With The New

Today is the last day of 2011, and I must say I'm a bit sad about that. I had a bitchin' good year, and I think it's all due to my New Year's "themes", instead of resolutions. I mentioned in a previous post, that I was never good at keeping resolutions, so I started a new trend several years ago and made a theme for the New Year. This past year it was "git 'er dun in twenty, one, one". As I mentioned previously, that encompassed a whole host of things from cleaning out closets, to knocking items off my bucket list. I must say I adhered to that theme right up until today, and I got some serious shit dun in twenty, one, one.

As we approach midnight, I have thought of my theme for the upcoming year. Drum roll please........... "Pursue what I'm meant to do in twenty, one, two". It only took me 48 years, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that I am now meant to pursue some sort of career with the written word. You have all inspired me with your kind words and encouragement every single day through your comments, text messages, phone calls, emails etc. in response to my blog. I seriously never realized people found me funny before. I get such a charge out of making you laugh that my mind is constantly turning every day wondering what will bring you joy.

OK, enough of that sappy shit. I may also pursue my goal of becoming a cougar. I'm not getting any younger, and those cubs are growing up so damn fast. Of course you know I'm also meant to meet Anderson Cooper some day. If our meeting gets cozy enough, I could knock out those two pursuits in one shot. He is younger than me after all. RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!

So, my wish for all of you is that you either continue on your current path if that brings you joy, or pursue whatever it is YOU are meant to do in twenty, one, two!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Hy-phen-at-ers

Time for me to rant and rave a bit. And yes, this is one of my opinionated posts where I may offend some folks, and I make no apologies for that 'cause I'm just keep in it real for ya!!!! I think it's stupid when people, male and female, take each others' last names and hyphenate them. You know like Susi Jones-Smith and her husband Jimmy Jones-Smith. Their children are named Sally Jones-Smith and Bobby Jones-Smith.

Now if that isn't damn ignorant enough, if Sally and Bobby want to keep the family tradition going, when they get married, they will have a 3 hyphenated last name. Yeppers, they will be Sally Jones-Smith-Lawson or Bobby Jones-Smith-Brown. But just think if one of them marries someone with a hyphenated last name. Holy God, now they have a 4 hyphenater like Bobby Jones-Smith-Brown-Wilson.

You see where I'm going with this. The poor kids already can't fit their names on the damn bubble sheets on standardized tests. How in the hell are they going to get accepted into college if their freakin' name doesn't even fit onto the SAT form????? Every generation is going to add a f#!@ing hyphenated last name. How would you like to be the kid on the first day of kindergarten whose name wraps around the whole damn hallway? Fifty generations later and that kid won't even be able to spell his last name until he graduates from high school.

You know if I was really sadistic I could have TORTURED the hell out of my kids and stuck them with my maiden name- Uffelman. No one could ever spell it or pronounce it. It was even misspelled on my high school diploma. They could be Conner and Ryan Uffelman-Church. Yea, a nice Pennsylvania Dutch-English combination there. Then think of the combos in future generations if someone married an Asian or a Russian. WHEW, those would be hyphenaters to be reckoned with!!! 

 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Deb's Mission Impossible

YYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHOOOOOOAAAAAA SISTA!!!!!!!!! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, SAY IT ISN'T SO, WTF???????? There you have it folks, I said what all of you were thinkin'.

Tom Cruise may have a blockbuster with Mission Impossible 4, but today was truly a mission impossible for me. This past week my personal hygiene has been lax to say the least. I had a mother f#@%er of a cold that kept me out of commission for most of the Christmas holiday. That meant if the shower graced my body, it was a monumental occasion. Good thing Santa comes in the middle of the night, 'cause if he saw me, his fat ass would have high tailed it up that chimney so damn fast that I wouldn't even have gotten a lump of coal in my stocking.

Anyway, today I had my 5 week hair appointment to cover my grey, (see my previous post grey needle in a brunette haystack), and NUTHIN' was gonna stop me from makin' that all important date. I actually slapped on a few swipes of makeup for the big event. When I walked in, I apologized to my hair stylist for the condition of my hair, which had not been brushed in over 24 hours. She looked at me ever so sweetly, and said, "I know you've been sick. Uh, do you think we need to cut your hair today"? I think that was her tactful way of sayin', "Honey, you need a MAJOR fu!@ing overhaul"

My dear, southern' stylist started workin' her magic. Now I'm keepin' it real for all you guys reading this. If any of your significant others get their hair highlighted or colored, they look EXACTLY like I do in that picture. They are just too damn embarrassed to tell you. But there are advantages to having those foils on your head. You can actually communicate with aliens. Several years ago I was abducted while having those foils on my head, and I'm here to tell you there IS life on other planets.

You can also have really cool conversations with people who are rumored to have gone to the great beyond. Today for instance, my foils picked up a titillating conversation between Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, and I had to twist my foils the other way because the X-Rated things they were talking about were just a tad too racy for my sensitive ears.


TA DA, 4 hours later and the mission is complete. Damn, I wonder if Elvis made it to home plate...........

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

From Trash To Treasure

Can anyone guess what that contraption is smack dab in the middle of the trash pile with the numbers on it? No, it's not a calculator or a make shift bomb? It's actually Jeff's first cell phone circa 1991. I'm sure the bigger question you are all thinking is why in the hell do we still have it? I wish I had an answer for ya.

Long story short is that I received a certificate from Jeff and the boys on Christmas day that they would provide the labor on a "redo" of the cave where I currently bring you my blog, and turn it into a more Deb friendly blog atmosphere. Believe me, this is no easy feat as the current space is piled full of shit that no one has dared to sort through since the dark ages. Yesterday Jeff had a day off from work and he decided to take the first step. After he filled a few trash bags he was jokingly telling the boys about some of the crap he found in the room, one of which was his first cell phone ever that weighed about 5 pounds and caused him to walk sideways when he carried it in his pocket.

OH MY GAWD, Conner went nutso thinking that cell phone must be worth some serious money as it is an "antique" by now. He frantically takes every piece of garbage out of the bags searching in vain for that damn cell phone to no avail. Ryan goes over and finds that stupid phone in 2 seconds flat and takes it from him. Then the arguments start. "I searched that whole bag for that phone, it's MINE","It's MINE because I found it", "You didn't even want it until I said it was worth money", "Nu uh I didn't help because I was still eating dessert" (ya gotta have priorities ya know).

  
Jeff decided to settle the argument by digging through the trash and finding our first VHS video recorder and giving that to Ryan. You would have thought Santa Claus came again. That kid laughed and howled and had a freakin' blast checking out that ancient relic. We even had some old VHS tapes to put into the recorder for him. He really cracked up when we told him we were flat broke when we bought that thing, but we scrimped and saved 'cause we just HAD to have it in 1995 when Conner was born.

After the laughter died down from playing with those golden oldies, I seriously thought of calling the experts at the show "Hoarders" because we obviously have a real problem. Who the hell keeps that shit in their house, not to mention we moved at least 4 times since that cell phone was purchased and 3 times since the video camera was purchased. We actually paid to move that crap. WE ARE SICK, I'M TELLIN' YA, SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Marc is Way Off the Mark

US magazine reports that Marc Anthony may fight J Lo on their current custody arrangements of their 3 year old twins. Seems like the Latin lover is pissed off that J Lo has found herself a new squeeze in a young buck named Casper Smart, a 24 year old back up dancer. I say GO COUGAR GO!!!!!!!

First of all, J Lo was named People magazine's most beautiful woman of 2011. I certainly can't argue that. She is stunningly gorgeous. What I could NEVAH figure out is why the most beautiful woman was married to quite possibly the ugliest man on the planet (other than perhaps Keith Richards or Tom Petty). If the singing gig doesn't pan out, he could definitely have a booming career in horror flicks. Not much makeup required to make him the hideous villain!! Plus, no woman wants to outweigh their man. SERIOUSLY, does Marc even weigh 120 pounds soaking wet? How could you even get pumped up for the boudoir if your husband's thighs looked like an anorexic chicken?

Be that as it may, reports from the tabloids have Marc hitting the roof after he saw photos of J Lo's new boy toy bonding with their 3 year old twins on a beach in Hawaii over Thanksgiving weekend. Marc may now go back on his word and fight J Lo over their custody arrangement which gives her primary custody. He reportedly would like to see J Lo date someone "more her equal".

My take on the whole deal goes back to those wise words from that awesome Kid Rock song. Marc is just pissed off and jealous 'cause J Lo's new man is "half his age and twice as hot"!!!!!!!

Photo: John Shearer/Wire Image

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Golden Goose

Our family decided to try something new this year for Christmas dinner. For some crazy reason, I thought we needed to cook a goose. I sent my cheapo husband out to the gourmet shop to buy the big bird and he came home saying the damn thing better have golden eggs inside because it costs 91 f*!#ing dollars. That's right- what you see laying there costs $91.00. Now I'm not near as cheap as Jeff, but even I was horrified. For an instant I was thinking the ducks at the retention pond in our neighborhood don't look so damn bad, and our kids are pretty good shots with their air soft guns. How cool would that be?

Low and behold, as Santa watched us take out the innards, not one damn golden egg fell out of the goose's ass. We stuffed that sucker full of potatoes, sausage, onions and apples like the recipe said and popped it in the oven. It better taste like a million bucks because I'm thinkin' we got ripped off in either the price or egg department.

I was going to post a picture of the masterpiece after it came out of the oven, but to be honest I'm already 4 Debosas's into Christmas day. A Debosa is a glass of champagne with a splash of Mimosa on top for those of you who are unaware. So I highly doubt I will be in any shape to take a picture in a few hours. Instead, in the spirit of the golden goose, I've been running around goosing everyone. For some reason the 8 year old neighborhood kid didn't think that was so funny. Perhaps a game of duck, duck, goose is more in order.

Since we never got a golden egg, and we were the suckers who actually paid $91 for that damn bird, I guess the old saying rings true, "Our goose is cooked".

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Grey Needle in a Brunette Haystack

The other day one of my friends posted on facebook, "I just found my first grey hair, sniffle, sniffle". Now we are talkin' about a beautiful 40'ish woman here folks. I don't know about you, but I felt the old jealousy rise up in me when I read that post so much so that I wanted to scream, "ARE YOU FOR REAL, YOU F#@!ING BITCH"???????

Instead, I did what every good friend does and posted a nice simple reply that said, "Welcome to the land of the big girls, monthly hair appointments and budgeting for total grey coverage. I became a big girl when I was 17 and found my first grey hair. Wait until you find your first grey short and curly. Now that is something to cry over". Then I looked at my grey roots and temples that are in BAD need of a touch up and thought, SHIT, why did I get the genetic grey card?

You know people have all kinds of ways to "cover" their grey. People pluck, highlight, or go for the all over industrial strength hair dye. Grey hair on your head is one thing, but grey hair on other parts of your body just ain't pretty. I don't mind admitting that I have taken advantage of laser hair removal. It is THE BEST modern day invention and I highly recommend it to everybody-male and female!!!!

Many years ago I had my underarms lasered and my pits are smooth as a baby's bottom. No more 5 o'clock shadow. I rarely look at my underarms, other than to slap some deodorant on there, as they just aren't an issue anymore. However, one thing the laser does not kill is grey hair follicles. So, every now and then I will see a long crazy hair growing out of my pit and I'll be damned if it isn't a wild grey hair. If you haven't already, just wait until you pluck a grey hair outta your armpit and tell me how that makes you feel. REAL YOUNG AND SEXY LEMME TELL YA!!!!!!!

So far I haven't seen any crazy grey hairs sprouting from my legs which have been recently lasered. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Now the pubic hairs are a discussion for an entirely separate blog. You may need a stiff drink while you read that one.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Want To Pump You Up!!!

Kasia Rivera, 34, has been placed under arrest, for illegally performing a penis enhancement without a licence

DAMN, how would you like that chick pointing a needle at you? Whew, I would run fur the hills. One 22 year old guy wasn't so lucky after she injected his penis with silicone hoping it would expand and blossom. Unfortunately, he died from complications. And another woman got her ass pumped full of cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant by another fake doctor in an attempt to get a curvier body. Big surprise, she suffered complications too, but was lucky enough to survive. Luckily both of those fake doctors were arrested.

Call me crazy, but anyone who goes to these "pumping parties" where untrained professionals are shooting people's bodies full of silicone kinda gotta know that this shit ain't safe. The old saying ya git whatcha pay fur is playing over and over in my head. Now I'm all about calling around and price shopping, but if the "doctor" you choose ain't in the yellow pages, ya might wanna keep on lookin'.

That being said, back in my lawyering days, I was involved in a case which was part of a class action lawsuit against a real licensed urologist who was performing penile enlargements. My client suffered severe complications from this surgery and almost had to have his penis amputated. This doctor seriously injured many guys with lasting effects. You talk about an awesome consultation. Thankfully, there were pictures and I didn't have to perform a personal examination of the injured party's injured member. That was definitely the highlight of my legal career!!!!!

I seriously doubt this type of pumping is what SNL had in mind when they coined the phrase, "I want to pump you up!"


Monday, December 19, 2011

Hoot Done It?

Big news for novelist Michael Peterson. He is going to get a new trial because a key prosecution witness misled jurors about the strength of bloodstain evidence in his original trial. Mr. Peterson was found guilty of first degree murder in the 2001 death of his wife Kathleen. Mr. Peterson had claimed his wife died of an accidental fall down the staircase after drinking alcohol and taking Valium. The jurors didn't buy it after evidence that she was beaten by a fireplace poker was presented.

However, the guy sits in prison for a few years and now comes up with this whopper theory for his new trial- THE OWL DID IT!!!!!!!!  HOOT HOOT!!!! Yes folks, those damn owls are freakin' viscous in Durham, NC where the murder took place. The newspapers are FULL of reports of people dying every day from an owl attack.

Mr. Peterson now claims his wife was drinking wine that evening and decided to take out the trash or something. When she walked outside, the owl was lurking. The owl swooped down on her, crashed into her head and dug its talons into the back of her skull. She struggled with the owl but the bird swept in again digging deeper into the back of her head. The owl hit her again and again causing lacerations as she tried to ward off her attacker. She then ran inside the house and collapsed at the bottom of the steps because she was bleeding and in pain. She tried to get up but she slipped on her own blood causing her to hit her head on the bottom step.

Now that is downright scary!!! I don't know about you but I'm NEVAH, EVAH going outside again after dark for fear of those killer owls. And I thought the only critters we had to worry about here in North Cackalacky were lizards and snakes.

WOW, they sure didn't teach us those types of bonehead defenses at the law school I attended. But, I will give him creativity points. However, I do think he may want to use that creativity in his next novel instead of his defense on first degree murder charges. Stay tuned for the trial to find out hoot done it.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Whoopi Cushion

I LOVE me a girl who is a straight shooter, 'cause I fancy myself as one!!! Whoopi Goldberg let one rip on her show The View the other day and made no attempt to hide it. I mean really how could you cover up that bull horn. Instead of sitting there in misery she just lets 'er fly baby. RIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!! She does apologize to her co-host Joy and her guest Clair Danes by saying, "Excuse me, I think I just blew a little frog outta there". Apparently farting on live TV is nothing new for Whoopi. Back in May, she admitted to Dr. Oz during an interview that she farts on her show all the time. Love that honesty!!!

Farting has no boundaries and is notoriously funny for all ages. Does anything really give you the giggles more as a kid than when the gas man comes a callin'? Living in a house with all boys, it's fart heaven!! My boys think the dutch oven is the freakin' bomb and receive much pleasure out of doing that to each other.

Then you graduate to the walking farts, you know the kind that pop with every step you take. And ya gotta love the trailers. Those farts that leave the trail of smell behind you long after you have walked away. I have no problem talking about farts because I grew up with the King of Farts!!! My Dad is the Master. He lets 'em rip in public and makes no apology, and let me tell ya, the volume is definitely something he should hold a Guinness Book of World Records for.

One time when my son Conner was about 5 years old we were eating in a restaurant and my Dad blew a massive bottle rocket out of his ass. Everyone turned around to stare, and Conner so innocently and sweetly said, "I'm sorry but my Grandpa has gas". Everyone busted out laughing while I wanted the floor to open up so I could fall through and disappear. 

I guess Whoopi has the same philosophy as my Dad who always says, "God damn it Deb, why should I sit here and suffer gas pains when I can share the suffering with the whole f!@#ing world?" That's fine and dandy until you no longer blow just air and you squeeze out the dreaded shart. Then my friends you are in serious trouble!!!!!     

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Lonesome Loser



"Have you heard about the lonesome loser? She's a loser but she still keeps on trying" . I sort of felt like that Little River Band song was written for me last night.

Back in the summer, I saw that Kenny G was coming to Durham to play a holiday concert. I first asked my husband to go, who is a serious hard rocker. He said he would rather poke a stick in his eye. I guess that meant Hell No, I Won't Go. Undeterred, I sent out a mass email to all my concert going friends thinking we could make a nice girls' trip, stay overnight, shop etc. Here are some of the responses I got back: "Not a fan; Uh, I THINK I'm doing something that night; that is the music I used to play to put the kids to sleep when I was a preschool teacher". And my all time favorite- "Is he still alive???????"

Now I had a decision to make. Do I throw in the towel and be pissed off that I'm not going to be able to knock this item off my bucket list (yes seeing Kenny G was on my bucket list), or do I put my big girl thong on, suck it up and go solo. You guessed it!!!! And you would not believe the amazing seat you can get when you are only buying one ticket. Front and center 6 rows back!!!! 

All my friends were making fun of me before the show because I said I was going to throw a leopard print thong onstage. They said Kenny G was more used to Spanx being thrown at him. My guy friends said they thought he would rather like a pair of my husband's mankinis. Oh well, laugh all you want, 'cause this lonesome loser had a blast!!!!

I shopped all day, checked into my hotel and popped my 1/2 bottle of champagne. Perfect for the solo traveler. My dinner reservations were at Ruth's Chris, which was attached to my hotel. You know, dining solo sure does have its advantages. Another lonesome loser sitting at the bar, sent me over a glass of wine. After seeing those outrageous prices, I gladly thanked him for my $16 glass of Molly Dooker.

AAAAAAHHHHHH then the show. Yes, I was in the minority seeing that I was not yet a member of the blue hair club. But lemme tell ya, Kenny G's music gets those old folks' hormones flowin' just like the spring chickens. The senior citizens sitting next to me were rubbing each other's thighs and kissing like a couple of teenagers. Guess that old codger took his Viagra before the show!!!

I must say I'm used to seeing some rockers in concert where you have to claw and fight your way to get a beer. So at intermission, I went out to refill my wine glass. There was a guy standing there with a huge ass sign that read, "The Line Starts Here". I dutifully follow directions only to find out that was the bathroom line. I guess the Depends undergarments on most of those folks only hold up for the first act.  There ain't no one standing in line for alcohol at the Kenny G concert. Imagine that!!!!!

Yea, I'm thinking this lonesome loser got the last laugh 'cause I HAVE to be the only person on the face of this earth who EVAH woke up with a whopping hangover after a Kenny G concert. Now that's something to be damn proud of!!!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sounds (and Sights) of the Season

Ya gotta love those middle school band concerts. The tweens are so excited to play their instruments for their parents, siblings, grandparents and neighbors. And everyone is so very proud of them because this is really the highlight of their musical talents thus far.

Last night our family attended the winter concert at our son's middle school where he plays the trumpet in the 6th grade band. Although the band put on a great show, the BETTAH entertainment was in the audience. A 4 year old boy was sitting in front of us and he acted like a Mexican jumping bean. He was jumping up and down and flinging his head from side to side like Willow Smith's song, "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" for 2 straight hours. Talk about some anger management issues too. He was wringing the neck on his stuffed teddy bear like you would want to do to Charles Manson. Then he would crawl under the seat and play with discarded gum and try to touch my son's shoes. The crazy thing is that his mother just sat there obliviously videotaping the concert the entire time completely ignoring him. I'm pretty sure they make medication to control that type of behavior. Or perhaps the old fashioned kick in the ass might work wonders.

That mother might want to talk to the Dad behind us who had his 8 year old in a headlock for most of the concert. Now that's a discipline style I agree with. Go Dad Go!!!!!!!! Then there was a lady to the right of us with a camera so large I'm pretty sure she needed security clearance to get into the building. I suspect she wasn't really taking pictures of her kid, but she was really a spy. The lens on that damn camera could see from here to China.

WHEW, when it was time for the 8th graders to perform, we saw a bit more than just a concert!!!!!! Let's just say that Little Miss Hoochie, Hoochie front and center needs to learn that a 3 inch skirt ain't gonna cover her Coochie Coochie!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, It's Yours

Yep, I'm talking about the dreaded Christmas letter. Who really enjoys receiving and reading other people's fabulous news from the past year? You know if I haven't seen you, spoken with you, facebooked you, texted you, emailed you, or IM'd you in the past five years then I'll cut you some slack and agree that maybe a Christmas letter is in order. But really, no one wants to hear that your family went to Australia for 2 glorious weeks while most people are struggling to make ends meet, or that your kid got accepted to that Ivy League college while the majority of folks are fist pumping each other 'cause their child got accepted to a state school.

Every single year we receive the Christmas letter from hell. My husband and I used to roll our eyes when it arrived, but now it has become the big joke in our family and we laugh our asses off. It is written by a couple of British descent, so we make tea and scones and I read it in my best British accent to the whole family. Last year the letter was 3 pages long. Yes, you read that correctly. Three entire pages detailing everything from the children's music lessons, sports, clubs, the appendectomy and the wonderful effects of morphine, and one child's walk on the wild side and unfortunate stint in reform school. Of course nothing beats the entire paragraph devoted to the pet snake.

This year the letter was only 1 page, and you will all be glad to know the wild child "has taken a turn for the better" and doing great at school. Unfortunately, the pet snake has met his demise. Since I didn't send Christmas cards this year, I'm thinking I owe everyone a Christmas letter next year. I can fill everyone in about my family's bout with diarrhea after eating some tainted seafood, my 11 year old's horrendous body odor, and my husband getting his belly roll sucked into the new fat freezing machine at his office. Now that's some real life shit everybody is gonna wanna read fur sure!!!!!!!

P.S. Wilmington friends- please vote for my blog in the Encore "Best Of" edition at www.encorepub.com  Thanks for your support!!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Happy Birthmas!

Today is exactly 2 weeks before Christmas and it also happens to be my birthday. For all of you who have a December birthday, I know you will agree with me when I say IT SUCKS!!!!!! It not only sucks, it ROYALLY sucks. My whole life I was given the dreaded combo gift. You know, the birthday/Christmas present combined. My all time favorite was when I received a combo present wrapped in Christmas paper. REALLY???????? Why don't you just say Happy Birthmas or Merry Christday to me on my birthday. So, all of you people of child bearing age, do the math. NEVAH, EVAH have sex in March or you risk having a December baby who will get shafted their whole life.

To add insult to injury, my parents never threw me a birthday party because "it was just too close to Christmas". Imagine how that felt for your sweet 16???? Am I bitter about that? HELL YEA!!!!!! So, ever since I have been an adult, I have always treated myself right on my birthday. I throw myself my own birthday party and it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. I complain about it enough that my friends all know not to EVAH wrap my present in Christmas paper.

I have taken great trips for my birthday, had cocktail parties at home, lunches with friends and fabulous dinners. But nothing compared to last year's GRAND celebration and it wasn't even a milestone birthday. My awesome friend Grayson organized an adult scavenger hunt for me and a bunch of girlfriends. Each of the girls had to write down one item that I was to "perform" during the course of the evening. Believe me, these girls were very creative and took no pity on the birthday girl.

We started out in a nice quiet wine bar where I had to go into the bathroom and change into my WVU bikini and come out and sing the WVU fight song for the patrons. I needed to order my wine and appetizers in a series of rhymes. From there we hit another bar and played adult Jenga that my good friend Vanessa made. We made some new male friends there, but had to ditch them because riding a mechanical bull was on my to do list. WHEW, talk about crazy!!! We performed a few country line dances as a warm up, and then I was instructed to recite this poem to the bartender: It's my birthday but the present is for you, I need a "crawl down my pussy" and I need it from you. I knew I was in trouble when the bartender had to get out his mixology book to make the drink. UGH, it was nasty, but it sure helped calm down the jitters for ridin' that bull.

Nothing really prepared us for two guys dressed in overalls and wearing cowboy hats claiming to be chicken farmers. They were on us like flies on shit. One picked me up over his head and spun me around. Time to leave!!!! On to the last stop of the evening where I had to find the scariest guy in the bar and ask him for a condom. I found this chore the most challenging. My girlfriends thought it was hysterical that I had to ask a guy about 70 years old, probably homeless, with about 2 teeth in his mouth if he had a condom. Luckily, for my mental health, he did not.

Somehow I'm thinking my brunch today is going to be a bit more tame than last year's celebration. Of course you NEVAH know once the Debosas start to flow!!!!!!

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Cougar Campaign

Some people have all the damn luck. How do you score a sweet deal like this? Ashton Kutcher has been offered an endorsement deal by a dating site called Cougarlife.com whereby the site will pay 1/2 of his alimony to Demi Moore if he only dates cougars. The cougars must be women at least 10 years older than him, he must post "mutually approved tweets" about "cougar relationships" at least 15 times a month, and be the face of an international marketing campaign for a company that describes itself as a "dating website for women looking to catch younger men".

SIGN ME THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!! I always joke around with my husband that my goal in life is to be a cougar. He tells me to go hang out at the dining hall at our local college and see if I can catch a cub or two. But hey, this deal seem legit. I mean the poor guy probably has to pay millions in alimony, so why not try to help him get a bargain deal. Half price is pretty damn good when you are talking millions.

Now I know I don't hold a candle to the smokin' HOT Demi, but if Ashton ever wants to go slummin', he could help me meet my goal of becoming a cougar, and I could help him save a few millions. That's a win/win in my book. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Nookie Cookie

It's that time of the year again. This Saturday morning is Dirty DI-AAAA-NA!'s annual cookie exchange. Believe me folks, this ain't no ordinary cookie exchange. It is a highly coveted event that only 25 lucky ladies get invited to every year. I had been lobbying for an invite for many years, and finally made it on the "A list" a couple of years ago because I knocked someone off. May she rest in peace.

Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! is absolutely the most creative person I know. The first year I was invited, the invitation came in a Chinese take out box and the theme for that year was Chinese fortunes. You needed to bring your cookies and a fortune. I showed up and Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! had a damn pagoda erected around the entry way to her house. The liquor was flowing and the gourmet food was to die for. When it came time for all of us ladies to say our fortunes one by one I was feeling a bit embarrassed since I was the newbie in the crowd. However, I am quite competitive and I had my eye on that prize!! Some of the fortunes were really cute, some were sentimental, and some were holiday related.

But I know that sex sells!!!!!! Just ask Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner. So when it was my turn I told this fortune, "Man who doesn't eat cookie, probably does same while making whoopie". Everyone voted on the best fortune and I came out the big WINNAH!!!!

The next year was a Barbie theme. Dirty Di-AAAA-NA! had a freakin' mannequin on her upstairs balcony, food that would make Paula Dean jealous, and of course amazing cocktails. Since I scored so well with my sex theme the previous year, I thought I would keep it going. I borrowed a Barbie from my friend Vanessa, and as luck would have it, she was dressed in a pretty red velvet Christmas dress. PERFECT!!!! I named her Christmas Barbie, discreetly taped a cookie to her crotch (since Barbies don't wear panties) lifted her dress, opened her legs, and said she was spreading the Christmas joy with her nookie cookie. You guessed it- another WINNAH!!!!

This year the theme is pajamas. It might surprise you but I'm doing a complete 180 and staying under the radar this year. The PJ's I bought for the event are completely fuddy duddy. I figured I had my time in the spot light. This sex kitten is retired (well maybe just on sabbatical for a year).

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dump and Dial

Most people would agree that women are the masters of multi-tasking. We are wives, mothers, have careers, volunteer, do chores etc. The list is endless. But, there comes a point when you take multi-tasking a bit too far. Case in point is the other day when my good friend La-A (pronounced LaDasha) goes to use the public restroom where she works.  

La-A walks into the workplace restroom for a quick tinkle, and is hit by the stench of someone in the poop potty. For those of you who are unaware, that's the "handicapped stall" at the far end that gives you the most privacy possible in a public restroom. As La-A locks the door on her stall, she hears the woman in the shit stall say, "Oh, I'm not sure if I'll be able to". HOLY CRAP, the woman carries on an entire conversation on her cell phone while she's doing her business.

Now I don't know about men, but most of my sista friends agree that we have trouble taking the Browns to the Super Bowl in a public restroom. Unless you have a stomach virus or ate some bad Mexican food, we really need to be in the privacy of our own chambers to feel entirely comfortable. And I can assure you, most women do NOT chat up their friends on their cell phones while in the middle of their morning constitutional.   

But this woman had no discretion. Yeppers, the chatty crapper might not have been drunk dialing, but she sure was dump dialing.

P.S. Awesome blog material La-A!!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas Crazies

How about this crazy dude in Leesburg, Va who set up this display outside the county courthouse featuring Santa Claus crucified on a cross? He meant to depict society's materialistic obsessions and addictions and how that is killing the peace, love, joy and kindness that is supposed to be prevalent during the holiday season. DAMN, I don't know about you, but that ain't the message I'm receiving from that display.

Now I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if he wanted to get that particular point across, perhaps a display of Santa flippin' the bird would do the trick. Or my favorite is the giant blowup from the company Gemme where Santa is shootin' the moon. There is nuthin' bettah than seeing Santa's pale, fat ass to spread the word.

And what do you think about this teacher from Michigan who changed the lyrics in the classic Christmas carol "Deck the Halls"? She replaced the word "gay" with the word "bright" to keep children from giggling and fixating on the word "gay". WOW, so instead of taking the opportunity to teach the children the meaning of the word "gay" in the classic carol, she just unilaterally changes it. I wish I would have thought of that avoidance technique when my kids would ask embarrassing questions like, "when am I going to get hair on my winker like Daddy"? I could have just changed the words and said that was dirt, not hair. Sure fire way to avoid the puberty talk!!!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Spreading the Christmas Joy One Customer at a Time

This morning I was at Sam's Club doing the "big run" as I call it. That means hoarding a food supply for my two growing boys and other various and sundry items. As I went to the checkout area, I chose one particular line, not because it was the shortest, but because the middle aged guy working the register was wearing a Santa hat. Something in my gut just told me he had an awesome attitude.

Damn if I wasn't spot on!!!! Amongst my industrial sized case of dog food, laundry detergent, meat and tampons, were a few bottles of wine. As the guy in the Santa hat rang up the first bottle of wine, he looked at me with a wicked smile and said, "Dear, you sure don't look 21 so I'm going to have to ask for your ID". I looked at his name tag and said, "You just made my holiday Robert".  I handed over my ID and he studied it, and then he looked back at me and said, "Really?" I replied, "Yep, I've been around the block a few times." Robert replied, "Hell, I built the block". Then I gave a good ol' belly laugh. He asked if anyone ever told me that I had a great laugh. I told him people have mentioned it once or twice in my 21 years. That caused him to laugh, and we struck up a lively conversation right there in the Sam's check out line.

Robert was one of those random people you meet and just instantly like. I told Robert I would be back at quittin' time and we could unscrew the cap on one of my bottles of wine and share another laugh or two. I can wear my Santa hat with the crazy lights, drive my Sequoia with the reindeer antlers and a red nose in front right back on over to Sam's Club just in time for happy hour!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Coup Continues

For many years I've been privileged to attend my friend Lisa's Christmas ornament exchange the first weekend in December. The cast of players changes from year to year, but there are a few old stand-bys. The things that never change are the amazing food, the copious amount of laughter and the champagne glasses that never seem to be empty.

About four years ago, my good friend Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! and I decided to rig this ornament exchange to our advantage so we could take the good shit home for ourselves. Everyone draws numbers and you start opening a new wrapped ornament or stealing someone else's. After two steals, the ornament is "retired" and no one can steal it again, except for the lucky person who picked # 1.

As always, some ornaments are cute, some funky, some traditional, some downright hideous and cheap. Well early on in the game Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! and I peg the ornaments we each want for ourselves and we start rigging the deal so we can be sure to go home WINNAHS! I'm proud to say we have never failed and no one has caught on to our dirty little scheme.

Yesterday was no exception. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! wanted the huge martini glass ornament and the matching wine stopper designed with a woman's sexy legs and floppy boobs. I wanted the ornaments pictured below. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA's ornament was stolen once, but as luck would have it, when my turn came around, I stole it, and whammo it was now retired. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! was up next and she had everyone "expose themselves", or lay out their ornaments, because some bitch was hiding the ones that I wanted and trying to keep them off the market. AH HAH, my partner in crime found them, and I coyly said, "Oh those look good." My partner was pickin' up what I was puttin' down. Now all we had to worry about was the lucky person who drew the #1 card because she could steal anything. But that person was our friend Heather, and she's got our back. She ain't messin' up our slimy deal. She would help us clean up the blood if necessary.

When it was all said and done, I had the ornaments Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! wanted and vise versa. We pulled the old switcheroo when no one was looking and toasted each other to another successful coup.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Taking the Happy out of Happy Meals

Did you hear the latest crap out of San Francisco? Restaurant meals can NO longer include a free toy unless they have less than 600 calories, contain fruits and veggies, and have a beverage that isn't excessively sugary or fatty. You guessed it. They took the happy right out of Happy Meals.

However, McDonald's found a way to side step the city ordinance by offering its customers the option to purchase a toy separately for 10 cents. THANK GOD for brilliant marketing!!!!!!! I mean how stupid do legislators think we really are? Most people know that when they go to fast food restaurants they ain't gettin' quality food. You don't need to legislate that we can't have a free Hello Kitty or Power Rangers toy on top of our 2,000 calorie meal if we choose to eat that shit!!!

Every now and then I enjoy a Happy Meal myself. There is just something about opening that box, eating my cheeseburger, and getting my free toy that just puts a smile on my face. I know I'm eating crap and I don't give a shit. But, I paid for it and I damn well want my free toy in my box. Now yesterday, I went whole hog and had a double cheeseburger, large fries and a diet coke ('cause a girl's gotta save calories somewhere). I didn't expect a free toy because I paid for an adult meal, however, if they had the option of purchasing an ADULT toy for 10 cents I certainly would have signed up for that deal!!!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!! Talk about brilliant marketing McDonald's might want to start thinking about...................... That sure would put the HAPPY right on back where it counts.