Sunday, December 11, 2011

Happy Birthmas!

Today is exactly 2 weeks before Christmas and it also happens to be my birthday. For all of you who have a December birthday, I know you will agree with me when I say IT SUCKS!!!!!! It not only sucks, it ROYALLY sucks. My whole life I was given the dreaded combo gift. You know, the birthday/Christmas present combined. My all time favorite was when I received a combo present wrapped in Christmas paper. REALLY???????? Why don't you just say Happy Birthmas or Merry Christday to me on my birthday. So, all of you people of child bearing age, do the math. NEVAH, EVAH have sex in March or you risk having a December baby who will get shafted their whole life.

To add insult to injury, my parents never threw me a birthday party because "it was just too close to Christmas". Imagine how that felt for your sweet 16???? Am I bitter about that? HELL YEA!!!!!! So, ever since I have been an adult, I have always treated myself right on my birthday. I throw myself my own birthday party and it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. I complain about it enough that my friends all know not to EVAH wrap my present in Christmas paper.

I have taken great trips for my birthday, had cocktail parties at home, lunches with friends and fabulous dinners. But nothing compared to last year's GRAND celebration and it wasn't even a milestone birthday. My awesome friend Grayson organized an adult scavenger hunt for me and a bunch of girlfriends. Each of the girls had to write down one item that I was to "perform" during the course of the evening. Believe me, these girls were very creative and took no pity on the birthday girl.

We started out in a nice quiet wine bar where I had to go into the bathroom and change into my WVU bikini and come out and sing the WVU fight song for the patrons. I needed to order my wine and appetizers in a series of rhymes. From there we hit another bar and played adult Jenga that my good friend Vanessa made. We made some new male friends there, but had to ditch them because riding a mechanical bull was on my to do list. WHEW, talk about crazy!!! We performed a few country line dances as a warm up, and then I was instructed to recite this poem to the bartender: It's my birthday but the present is for you, I need a "crawl down my pussy" and I need it from you. I knew I was in trouble when the bartender had to get out his mixology book to make the drink. UGH, it was nasty, but it sure helped calm down the jitters for ridin' that bull.

Nothing really prepared us for two guys dressed in overalls and wearing cowboy hats claiming to be chicken farmers. They were on us like flies on shit. One picked me up over his head and spun me around. Time to leave!!!! On to the last stop of the evening where I had to find the scariest guy in the bar and ask him for a condom. I found this chore the most challenging. My girlfriends thought it was hysterical that I had to ask a guy about 70 years old, probably homeless, with about 2 teeth in his mouth if he had a condom. Luckily, for my mental health, he did not.

Somehow I'm thinking my brunch today is going to be a bit more tame than last year's celebration. Of course you NEVAH know once the Debosas start to flow!!!!!!