Monday, November 7, 2011

You Don't Fork Around With a WV Redneck!

Now some of you have heard this story, and if you have, you know its worth repeating. For those of you who have not been privy to this story, sit back and enjoy because its a WHOPPER!!!!  A couple of weeks ago, on a random night about 11:30PM, our doorbell rings. My husband Jeff sits down his nightly drink of Gentleman Jack and water and saunters over to answer the door at this late hour. No one is there but he can hear teenage laughter. Well, Jeff may be a plastic surgeon by day, but as the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of West Virginia, but you can't take West Virginia out of the boy". When things like this happen, those close to Jeff refer to Jeff as "Uncle Jeffy".

So, Uncle Jeffy gets in full WV redneck mode, and goes outside in his barefeet to find the hoodlums who rang his doorbell 'cause Uncle Jeffy don't take kindly to folks messin' with his property. He goes around the back of the house but no luck. Then he hears them in the neighbor's yard. Uncle Jeffy crouches down in the natural area between our yard and the neighbor's yard and sees a discarded box of plastic forks. The damn hoodlums forked our yard. For all of my northern friends, I recreated a picture of what forking looks like on a smaller scale. In PA where I grew up, when we wanted to be hoodlums, we threw eggs at people's houses, not put plastic forks in their yards. How damn lame ass is the fork thing really???? By the way folks, in case you don't know, forking means F@#! You. Anyway, this fires up Uncle Jeffy.

Uncle Jeffy is in all out stealth mode and about 3 feet from the hoodlums hiding behind some trees. He is ticked off because he doesn't have shoes on in this natural area where there is surely snakes and other critters, because he would really like to reach out and grab one of the hoodlums. Instead he waits for the perfect moment and jumps out right in front of them, waving his arms like a lunatic, and yells, "You ring my doorbell again I'm going to kick your a@! you little di@#s!!!". The three teenage hoodlums looked at him like the crazy man he was, screamed their little heads off, and one of them looked down between his legs because he obviously had an accident in his pants. Then they tore off running toward their house. Yep, them boys ain't never seen the likes of no West Virginia crazy redneck before!!!!!

Guess those boys won't be comin' round these parts no more. 

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