Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Queen of Road Rage

The other day I blogged about crazy people. Well today it was MY turn to hop aboard the crazy train. It may be hard for some of you to believe, and others not so much, but I have always had a real problem with road rage. That's me honking at you if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, and that's me honking at you if you pull out in front of me, and yeppers, that's me honking at you if you back your car out of a parking space without looking and almost ram into me.

However, if you point your finger at me and accuse me of doing something I didn't, you have got a REAL crazy bitch on your hands. I'm not talkin' just shootin' you the bird and saying a few cuss words. OH NO!!!!!! I'm talkin' all out, Mafia wives, head spinnin' kind of shit that would make you think I need an exorcism.

About a year ago I made a legal U turn in my redneck mustang and a guy riding a bicycle pointed his finger at me and said I cut him off. Now he was about 15 feet away from me and had his own lane, so I in no way cut him off from anything. I drove up right beside him and started shouting words at him that would make a sailor blush. The look on his face was priceless, because once he figured out I wasn't backin' down, he started pedalin' his ass so damn fast to get away from me while I followed him, all the while screaming obscenities out the window. Bet that's the last time he accuses a motor vehicle of cutting him off.

But today takes the cake. I'm driving my big hulkin' Toyota Sequoia down a minor roadway and a lady in HER redneck mustang almost pulls out in front of me from a driveway missing me by about 2 inches. I lay on my horn. She goes nutso and gives me the finger and calls me a bitch. As this near accident was clearly her fault, I flip her the bird back, and start screaming obscenties back at her. Then the blonde bimbo gives me two fingers and pulls up along side of me at the stop sign. What do I do? I SNAP!!! I jump out of my car, fingers pointed at her, 'cause I'm ready for a cat fight. This is the first time I've ever actually gone after someone, but damn she ticked me off!! WHOA, when I see the size of her I quickly retreat!!! All she keeps calling me is a bitch, and I keep screaming that it was her fault for almost pulling out in front of me. I did say in my best Italian Mafia voice, "Whatch ya gonna do about it fat bitch?" She didn't really have an answer for that one.

All I know is that we provided excellent entertainment for the folks sitting inside the nearby McDonald's. Now if you will excuse me I need a lozenger for my sore throat.