Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Herman the Human Candy Cain

DANG, women are comin ' out of the woodwork to claim they had a piece of Herman's candy Cain aren't they? A woman now claims she had a 13 year consensual affair with Herman, but to our surprise, he denies it yet again. You know, I'll give him one or two false claims, but every day you turn on the news, and someone else is saying that Herman wanted her to lick his candy Cain, or that Herman wanted her to unwrap his candy Cain, or that Herman wanted to stick his candy Cain in her warm gingerbread house.
I think we all heard this song and dance before huh? "I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman". Hell, that famous line is even immortalized in Kenny G's Auld Lang Syne Millennium Mix.  I can just hear it now on Kenny G's new holiday album, "That woman did NOT take a bite of my candy Cain".     

Monday, November 28, 2011

Saturday Night Showdown

Saturday night just seems to have that certain WOW factor you know? Lovers go on date night, singles go out to PAR-TAY, teens hang out with their friends, and the freaks start waving their flags!!! This past Saturday night was especially ripe for a freak show.

A man dressed as Frosty the Snowman was arrested during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, MD. Frosty says he became agitated after a dog-handling police officer tried to escort him away from the crowd. Sure hope there ain't no heaters in jail, 'cause you talk about agitation!!!! The guards are gonna be moppin' old Frosty up off the floor.

Down here in North Cackalacky, right up the road from where I live, a second grade teacher was arrested on Saturday night and charged with trafficking in opium or heroin. DANG, the budget cuts must be worse than people think. Pretty good paying gig I imagine if you don't get caught. Of course word on the street is that the best dealers are NOT users. That would make me feel better if my child was in her class.

Then in a sleepy little neighborhood, not unlike many others in the nation, a known substance abuser, affectionately called the "Vicodin Villain", bangs on his neighbor's door, clad only in a towel and tighty whities, and demands to be let in because his son is going to kill him. When he is refused entry, the Vicodin Villain parks his ass on his neighbor's rocking chair on their front porch and waits for the cops and ambulance to arrive. Eyewitness reports thought Baby Huey made a resurgence.

I don't know about you folks, but I can't wait for this coming Saturday night.  Grab yourself a glass of eggnog, sit back and enjoy the freak show.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Rub a Deb Deb!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH the spa at the Grove Park Inn...... I had such an amazing experience yesterday enjoying all the amenities including the indoor pool, plunge pool, whirlpool, eucalyptus steam room, outdoor pool, and of course a couple glasses of vino. Whew, I was downright delirious when it was my actual appointment time. But alas, a handsome young thang named Jason came and fetched me for my mountain honey wrap.

Jason escorted me to a treatment room and explained that he was going to slough my body with a body brush, then rub my entire body with a mixture of corn meal and honey. Then after I showered, he was going to massage me with special body buttah. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and then Jason looked at me in all seriousness and asked, "would you like me to do your abs and glutes as well"? WHOA, you mean you are actually asking permission whether your 20 something hands can slough, buff, and polish my dried up middle aged ass??????? The answer to that question Jason, is not only yes, it's F@!#ING HELL YES!!!!!!!!

Let me tell ya, Jason did not disappoint. Of course how could any woman of my age be disappointed when a young, handsome stud is rubbing her ass? For 90 glorious minutes I had the cougar fantasy locked up. Who cares that I was actually paying the dude. The fact remains the young guy was all mine for those 90 minutes. Now just imagine what that poor guy thought when he pulled back the sheet and saw my old, flabby, wrinkled ass. I think I heard a muffled scream, but hey, he chose this career and you gotta take the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black and Blue Friday

So in L.A we got a crazy lady wielding pepper spray to get her electronic bargains. What a damn wimp... Down hur in Fayetteville, North Cackalacky home boys bring guns to the party. Yeppers shoppers scattered at a Fayetteville mall on Black and Blue Friday when shots were fired. Who knows what bargains they were shoppin' fo'. But now it seems they need more ammo. Trampling must be the gateway drug to pepper spray and shooting. What happened to the good ol' days when people would just elbow, punch, pull hair, and shit to get serious bargains?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

To Hell With Holiday Traditions (Well, Just This Once)

We all have them, those holiday traditions we hold so near and dear. Friends and family gathering for the holiday feast, making your Great-Grandmother's favorite recipe, getting out the fine china, hearing Grandpa farting on the couch. AAAAAAhhhhhh, the holidays............

My all time favorite holiday tradition is getting up on Thanksgiving morning and gearing up to address my scads of Christmas cards. As soon as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade comes on, I pop the champagne and get ready for my first Debosa of the day. My good friend Vanessa coined the term "Debosa" for my fondness of a glass of champagne topped off with a splash of mimosa. I watch the parade from start to finish , knocking back Debosas, while addressing my cards. I always feel sorry for the folks in the middle of the alphabet because their label gets a bit slurred, and by the "R's, S's and W's" its amazing their card even gets delivered.

However, since we will be traveling this year for the first time in 26 years, I'm saying to Hell with tradition. If I'm not at home, where I have everything at my fingertips, I just ain't sending Christmas cards this year. OH, THE HORROR!!!!! Some things you just can't recreate somewhere else.

Now I know some of you on my Christmas card list will be downright broken up about this. I mean your holiday might be ruined without seeing the Church family smashed into our redneck mustang with the 5 foot singing Santa, or without seeing my kids wrapped up in a giant Christmas present on the beach. But hey, there's something to look forward to next year.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Still Gettin' Er Dun In 20-1-1

I've never been good at sticking with New Year's resolutions, so this year I decided to try something unique and come up with a "theme" for the year. My theme this year was "Get er dun in twenty, one, one (2011)". I must say it sure has worked for me!!! Many of you have asked over the course of the year what that really means. Well, it encompassed a whole host of things from big to small.

Some of my most notable events for the year that I got dun included cleaning out some nasty closets and drawers, downloading the theme of The Brady Bunch as the ringtone for my crackberry, Jeff and I updated our wills and did some serious estate planning, I bought sexy new lingerie (which I realized is now A MUST at least every 6 months) and I planned my entire life celebration for when I go to the great beyond, right down to the DJ's playlist.

Get er dun in 20-1-1 also included knocking quite a few items off my bucket list. One of those happens to be staying at the fantabulous Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC for Thanksgiving to see the national gingerbread house competition and tour the Biltmore mansion as it will be decorated for Christmas. I don't mind admitting that I'm somewhat of a spa whore. I go to a spa where ever Jeff and I happen to stay and the spa at the Grove Park is by far my favortie spa EVAH. On one occasion while staying at The Grove Park Inn, I was sitting in my plush robe, sipping wine out by the outdoor pool with the beautiful stone fireplace, and admiring the gorgeous mountains. As no cell phones are allowed, a sweet lady was going around whispering something to everyone. I didn't really pay much attention until I faintly heard, "Is there a Deb Church here"? I raised my hand. She said that my husband was up front and needed to see me. I immediately thought an emergency happened with the kids who were back home in Wilmington. I rushed out there and asked what was the matter.

Now my husband, who I love dearly, does MANY things well, but ask him to spend a buck and the veins in his little bald head start to pop. He tells me he needs the key to the room safe (which I inadvertently took) so he can get his wallet and car keys. When I ask why, he says because he wants to watch the football game and the beers at the hotel bar are $5.50 a piece, and he can drive into town and buy an entire 6 pack for that.

OH MY GAWD!!!!!! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??????????????? You completely embarrass the hell out of me to save a few bucks????? I asked him if he knew how much money I was spending at the spa? He said he preferred not to know. When I turned around the sweet spa lady said that she hoped everything was OK. With a bright red face all I could muster was a nod before I ordered another glass of wine.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy ThanksLiving- NO THANKS!!!

I saw a segment on TV last night about a group of vegans who go to a farm every year to celebrate ThanksLiving, instead of ThanksGiving. These folks oppose animal cruelty and allow the turkeys to be the highlight of their celebration. The turkeys run around gobbling and eating their grub, while the vegans enjoy a meat and dairy free meal.

Now I certainly don't promote animal cruelty, but you can damn well bet the turkey is going to be the highlight of my ThanksGiving celebration too.  But the sucker won't be running around and his gobble will have been long gone!!!! I guess I'm just a crazy carnivore who chooses not to know how my meat got to my table. To me, Thanksgiving without that big, juicy bird as the centerpiece is like having sex without an orgasm. What would be the point?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And The Winner Is: The Skinny Boy

So, yesterday my 16 year old son Conner had to get up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to get ready for an academic competition 2 hours away. He dresses in his Dad's suit and tie ('cause we don't buy those kinds of clothes for our kids) and I tell him how to get to the nearest Starbuck's for a quick caffeine buzz before the long bus ride.

This is the North Carolina Regional competition for the Health Occupations Students of America, and Conner is competing in the persuasive argument division. WHEW, try saying that 3 times fast. The topic is whether unhealthy food, such as fast food, should be taxed. Conner took the position that it should be taxed, being that he is 5' 11'' and weighs 145 lbs soaking wet. I HATE his metabolism!!!! He can eat whatevah he wants and never gain an ounce.

Conner is well prepared as he has researched his topic well and thoroughly practiced his oral argument. When Conner gets on the bus his academic advisor says "Conner let me see your paper". "Uh, what paper", "Your paper to support your argument". "You never told me I had to write a paper". OH SHIT!!!!!! So as soon as they get to the competition site, Conner asks where the computer lab is and bangs out a paper in record time.

There are hundreds of kids at this thing, but as luck would have it, the kids taking the opposing view against my skinny boy and saying fast food should not be taxed look like Fat Albert and Roseanne Barr before her gastric bypass. Conner kicks ass in the debate, but really, his paper sucked. The judges announced the top 10 winners. Hot Damn, Conner's name is announced. Then the countdown starts, 10, 9, 8..... You guessed it, my skinny boy takes 1st place and Roseanne Bar takes 2nd. Guess there is truth in advertising. Maybe they wanted a skinny boy to represent the tax and a portly person to represent no tax. Oh well, this Momma says, A WIN IS A WIN!!!!

And how does skinny boy celebrate his success? He stops at Taco Bell on the way home and tries one of their new triple steak stacks and said it was DEE-LICIOUS!!!!!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Griswolds Ain't Got Nuthin' On Me!

You can call me many things, but don't EVAH say I'm classy when it comes to Christmas decor. I will say the outside of our house is decorated tastefully (except for the fake Christmas presents from Big Lots I couldn't live without) for two reasons: 1. My husband draws the line on those big blow up things. No blow ups for any reason, for any season. (can you say Scrooge!) and 2. he says that too many outside lights are a fire hazard, which is man code for I'm too damn lazy to string all those lights together.

But, the inside of our house is MY domain and I leave no stone unturned. I literally have a piece of Christmas decor in every available space. In fact, my good friend Grayson calls my house "Kirkland's" during the holidays. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that store, it's a store that's packed to the gills with items on every shelf. That pretty much describes my house with tacky Christmas decor.

Take a gander at the 5 foot singing Santa at the left. Isn't he a beauty? When he starts singing his Christmas carols and swinging his hips you can't help but laugh your ass off!!! Some of my favorite items are pictured above. There's the shivering reindeer who seems like he's having an amazing orgasm but appears a bit embarrassed about it, the Rock and Roll Santa who sings Jingle Bell Rock 24/7 with a cute little gyration, and my all time favorite Disco Santa, who the general consensus thinks looks like he's masturbating. Look at that hand position. You should see him when he gets moving to "Funky Town". YEA BABY!!!! Hhhhhmmm, I see a theme here.......

Now if you need to use the rest room, you will LOVE to lift the Santa lid and hear the little jingle of his bell. There's just something about that jingle that makes you want to tinkle. And who wouldn't want to sleep under those twinkly lights at night? I mean how ultimate in tacky can you get!!!!!! Clark Griswold may take first prize in the tackiness award on the outdoor decor, but I'm here to give him a run for his money on the interior baby!!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Queen of Road Rage

The other day I blogged about crazy people. Well today it was MY turn to hop aboard the crazy train. It may be hard for some of you to believe, and others not so much, but I have always had a real problem with road rage. That's me honking at you if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, and that's me honking at you if you pull out in front of me, and yeppers, that's me honking at you if you back your car out of a parking space without looking and almost ram into me.

However, if you point your finger at me and accuse me of doing something I didn't, you have got a REAL crazy bitch on your hands. I'm not talkin' just shootin' you the bird and saying a few cuss words. OH NO!!!!!! I'm talkin' all out, Mafia wives, head spinnin' kind of shit that would make you think I need an exorcism.

About a year ago I made a legal U turn in my redneck mustang and a guy riding a bicycle pointed his finger at me and said I cut him off. Now he was about 15 feet away from me and had his own lane, so I in no way cut him off from anything. I drove up right beside him and started shouting words at him that would make a sailor blush. The look on his face was priceless, because once he figured out I wasn't backin' down, he started pedalin' his ass so damn fast to get away from me while I followed him, all the while screaming obscenities out the window. Bet that's the last time he accuses a motor vehicle of cutting him off.

But today takes the cake. I'm driving my big hulkin' Toyota Sequoia down a minor roadway and a lady in HER redneck mustang almost pulls out in front of me from a driveway missing me by about 2 inches. I lay on my horn. She goes nutso and gives me the finger and calls me a bitch. As this near accident was clearly her fault, I flip her the bird back, and start screaming obscenties back at her. Then the blonde bimbo gives me two fingers and pulls up along side of me at the stop sign. What do I do? I SNAP!!! I jump out of my car, fingers pointed at her, 'cause I'm ready for a cat fight. This is the first time I've ever actually gone after someone, but damn she ticked me off!! WHOA, when I see the size of her I quickly retreat!!! All she keeps calling me is a bitch, and I keep screaming that it was her fault for almost pulling out in front of me. I did say in my best Italian Mafia voice, "Whatch ya gonna do about it fat bitch?" She didn't really have an answer for that one.

All I know is that we provided excellent entertainment for the folks sitting inside the nearby McDonald's. Now if you will excuse me I need a lozenger for my sore throat.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Super Sized Society

We all know we can "super size" our meals at McDonald's for a few cents and a 1,000 calories more, but how about those new fangled coffee drinks? My friend Jerry goes into our local coffee shop almost every day to purchase a small black coffee, but he gets a real kick out of the full figured women ordering up their Grande, extra chocolate, whole milk lattes, with a double dollop of whipped cream and sprinkles on top. Oh, and don't forget the bran muffins the size of your head with extra buttah. He looks at one of the muffins and wonders how in the hell a real person is going to get their lips around that thing, because surely only a horse could actually take a bite out of that muffin. But, the women sit down with their 600 plus calorie latte concoctions and their 500 plus calorie muffins and devour everything like a lion rips apart its prey.

When Jerry places his order of a simple black coffee, he tells the barrista, she should have a scale in front of the counter so that every customer who comes in must step on the scale before they place their order. If the scale reaches numbers it hasn't seen in awhile, it's just like the soup Nazi, "NO Grande Latte for you"!!!!!

And can you just imagine what's gonna happen after all of that caffeine, chocolate, sugar and bran????? WHEW, I say clear the coffee shop folks 'cause somethin' is gonna blow, and I don't want to be anywhere near that type of explosion!!!!!!

P.S. Thanks Jerry for the awesome material!!!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

God is Great, Beer is Good, PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!!!

No, this blog isn't about country music, which I despise by the way. But the title of that country song just cracks me up and can sum up so much about life! Recently, whenever I come across someone who does something nutty, I just quote the title of that song and bust out laughing.

Now I don't profess to be sane. Just ask my family. They can tell you I'm one crazy bitch, especially when my WV Mountaineers are on TV playing football. But I know for a fact that I've never entered the wrong house and slept in someone else's bed, or gone up to a total stranger and asked them to be my facebook friend, or had a complete blowout in someone else's toilet when my own house was right across the street. Yes, those are all true little tidbits from people I have met.

I also love the misguided confidence of some folks. Last fall, one of the Dads on Ryan's football team was sporting a home arrest ankle bracelet most of the season. Now I don't know about you, but I would damn sure wear long pants to hide that piece of jewelry when I came out to watch my son play, but he didn't have a care in the world about it. He just wore his jorts like it was any other day. Then when I was PTA President of Ryan's elementary school, we hosted a FAMILY movie night. Some Mom dropped off her 8 year old child unattended for the evening while she went out clubbing. I had the unfortunate task of telling her it was not a "drop off event" when she came to pick up her child (who was the last kid still there). She got right in my face and proceeded to yell at me with her tongue ring and tell me a thing or two!!!! Really lady???? Who drops off their kid unsupervised at an evening event so they can go out on a date?

But hands down, the winnah, goes to the guy who came into the emergency room many, many moons ago when my husband was still doing his training in another state. He had a pencil stuck in his urethra. When the doctor asked how the pencil got there, he replied that he was painting on a ladder naked and he fell off the ladder right onto the pencil and it just got stuck in there. Now, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday so I'm pretty damn sure it didn't happen that way. As I like to say, "God is Great, Beer is Good, PEOPLE ARE CRAZY"!!!!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Red Wine and Real Regrets

What is it about red wine that just makes you do crazy shit? I mean there is nothing bettah, than a fine glass of red wine, with a big, juicy steak, or just sippin' a glass by the fire on a cold winter's night. But DANG, there is a fine line between the good stuff and the cheap crap that makes you go plum crazy!!!! Or perhaps it is the amount you ingest no matter what the quality.

I can remember one night my friend Collette and I closed down a local establishment after a few too many glasses of red wine. The bar tender thought it was a great idea to invite me behind the bar and mix up a few slippery nipples. Don't need to ask me twice Mister!!! I started throwing the silver cocktail mixer in the air like Tom Cruise in the movie "Cocktail" only to miss catching it and causing quite a mess all over the bar and my new silk blouse. Not to mention I couldn't exactly pour the contraption into the glasses. Guess I'll never make it as a mixologist.

And maybe it's just women, or perhaps it's just my particular group of friends, but after a few glasses of red wine, the conversation invariably turns to sex. Now in my opinion that is the best advantage of drinking the red stuff!!!! Last night I went out to dinner with my friend Heather. We had a few glasses of red wine, and yeppers, the conversation turned to sex. And I'm talking belly busting laughter over one of her former boyfriends who stylized his own version of "The Porn King Move".

Of course let's not forget drunk dialing, tipsy texting and a new one I discovered last night. In my red wine haze I accepted a facebook friend request from a guy I don't even know, who says he's single and interested in women. At least we have more friends in common than just Kid Rock.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Busted at Da Krispy Kreme

Everyone who lives in the south knows that you push and push and push your kids to do well on their report cards. Why? Because every 9 weeks, for every A they earn, they receive 1 free Krispy Kreme donut of their choice. My older son Conner, who drives now, was WAY too cool to wait for his little brother when report cards were issued the other day, so he drove himself to Krispy Kreme and got his booty.

So, Ryan wanted to wait until today, Veteran's Day, to get his free donuts. As luck would have it, he woke up feeling sick, but he still wanted his free donuts. Being the good mother that I am, I trucked on over to Krispy Kreme with his report card in hand and the list of his favorite donuts. Everyone else in Wilmington had the same idea of going to cash in their A's today at Krispy Kreme since school was out 'cause the place was packed. I stand in line and dutifully wait my turn.

I order Ryan's donuts and the lady gives me her best 5 tooth smile and says $6.34. I proudly hand over Ryan's report card. She looks at me like I'm some sort of criminal and says, "Da chaal haz to be wiff you!" I replied, "Excuse Me?" I said, "Da chaal haz to be wiff you!" It took me a moment to realize that she meant that my child had to be with me in order to take advantage of the free donut deal. I was so mortified that I handed over a $10.00 bill and said I was sorry but that he was home sick. I never waited for my change, just hung my head like I just got busted trying to shoplift or something.

Lesson learned: Nevah Evah try to pull a fast one over on Da Krispy Kreme!!!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Anyone Care for a Chicken Pox Lollipop?

How about these people who are promoting saliva soaked tissues and infected lollipops to spread chicken pox to their children who have not yet had the virus? Their reasoning is because they don't want to take the chance of their child having a potential life threatening reaction to the vaccine. Call me crazy, but give me the old shot in the arm doc!!!!

I also heard about "Pox Parties" where parents take their healthy kids to play with kids who have chicken pox so that their healthy kids will get the chicken pox "naturally", instead of having to go to the doctor for the dreaded vaccine. DANG, the only type of "ox" party I'm entertaining these days is a Botox party. Seriously folks!!!!

Here's a novel idea, maybe some genius can invent a Botox infected lollipop so I wouldn't have to keep getting those dreaded injections. Now there's one type of lollipop I would suck on ALL day long baby!!!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Michelle Duggar- 20th bun in the oven

Michelle and Jim Bob announced they are pregnant with their 20th child. WHOO HOO!!!!!! I mean 19 kids really is an odd number, you may as well round it out to 20. Geez, and when does their reality show turn into a freak show? I have never seen the show, but I'm thinking they are waving the freak flag wanting to have that many children.

Of course people do have addictions, and maybe Mrs. Duggar is addicted to being pregnant and having babies. As for me, I'll stick to my vino vice thank you very much.

The Duggars do have plenty of kids right now for a baseball team, and if they try REALLY hard they can have enough in a few years for a full fledged football team. GO DUGGARS, I know you can do it!!!!!

Now I don't know about any of you with more than one child, but I only have 2 kids, and I mix up their names all the time. I can't imagine mixing up 20 names. One day as my 11 year old was leaving for school, I called him by his brother's name. He said, "Mom, you have had 11 years to figure it out, and you still can't get it right." That caused me to have a big old belly laugh. Maybe the Duggars get big old belly laughs times 20? We can only hope.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Justin Bieber- Baby, Baby, Baby, O Baby, DADDY??????

So who really believes in a million years that Justin Bieber fathered Mariah Yeater's baby? I mean does the Bebes even know how babies are made?????? Isn't he still in the wet dreams stage? Seriously? Not to mention the fact that this deal would have had to happen an entire year ago when the guy was even more naive. And have you seen the chick making the claim? WHOA!!!! A far cry from the gorgeous Selena Gomez with a rap sheet no less. Yea, I'm bettin' my bottom dollar that Justin's DNA test is going to prove he is not the father, just like the last guy she pinned it on.

Don't get me wrong folks, I ain't no Justin Bieber fan, but some things are just plain ridiculous. The Bebes a Baby Daddy? Naw, can't be!!!!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

You Don't Fork Around With a WV Redneck!

Now some of you have heard this story, and if you have, you know its worth repeating. For those of you who have not been privy to this story, sit back and enjoy because its a WHOPPER!!!!  A couple of weeks ago, on a random night about 11:30PM, our doorbell rings. My husband Jeff sits down his nightly drink of Gentleman Jack and water and saunters over to answer the door at this late hour. No one is there but he can hear teenage laughter. Well, Jeff may be a plastic surgeon by day, but as the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of West Virginia, but you can't take West Virginia out of the boy". When things like this happen, those close to Jeff refer to Jeff as "Uncle Jeffy".

So, Uncle Jeffy gets in full WV redneck mode, and goes outside in his barefeet to find the hoodlums who rang his doorbell 'cause Uncle Jeffy don't take kindly to folks messin' with his property. He goes around the back of the house but no luck. Then he hears them in the neighbor's yard. Uncle Jeffy crouches down in the natural area between our yard and the neighbor's yard and sees a discarded box of plastic forks. The damn hoodlums forked our yard. For all of my northern friends, I recreated a picture of what forking looks like on a smaller scale. In PA where I grew up, when we wanted to be hoodlums, we threw eggs at people's houses, not put plastic forks in their yards. How damn lame ass is the fork thing really???? By the way folks, in case you don't know, forking means F@#! You. Anyway, this fires up Uncle Jeffy.

Uncle Jeffy is in all out stealth mode and about 3 feet from the hoodlums hiding behind some trees. He is ticked off because he doesn't have shoes on in this natural area where there is surely snakes and other critters, because he would really like to reach out and grab one of the hoodlums. Instead he waits for the perfect moment and jumps out right in front of them, waving his arms like a lunatic, and yells, "You ring my doorbell again I'm going to kick your a@! you little di@#s!!!". The three teenage hoodlums looked at him like the crazy man he was, screamed their little heads off, and one of them looked down between his legs because he obviously had an accident in his pants. Then they tore off running toward their house. Yep, them boys ain't never seen the likes of no West Virginia crazy redneck before!!!!!

Guess those boys won't be comin' round these parts no more. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My first attempt at Blogging (sounds kinda dirty)

Well here it is folks, my attempt at blogging and keeping you all entertained. Why blogging you ask? Well, SO many of you have told me over the years that I crack you up, or that you find me funny. I never really thought of myself that way, but with the invention of facebook, more and more of you have told me that you so look forward to my facebook posts and that they give you a daily dose of laughter and a chuckle.

Laughter can do so many things for people. It can put a smile on your face when you are down, it can put some much needed joy in your life, or it can just make a good day even BETTAH!!! So here goes.....

Yep, that's me standing with my guy Anderson Cooper at the CNN studios in Atlanta. He's larger than life to me and I'm just in awe of him. I pose for goofy pictures like that all the time and my kids run for cover. Good thing my husband has a great sense of humor!!!

The title of my blog, "Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!" pretty much sums up my style. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a straight shooter. I call a spade a spade, and you either like that or you don't. However, I try to inject humor into the situation. If you find yourself in any of these blog posts (don't worry I will change all names to protect the innocent), please do not get offended. Rather, be flattered!!!! Think of it like that Seinfeld episode where Elaine wonders which man will be sponge worthy. If you make it here, you are BLOG WORTHY. WHOO HOO!!!!!!!

I sure hope you will find the humor in my observations of every day life as much as I will enjoy bringing them to you.