Saturday, December 31, 2011

Out With The Old, In With The New

Today is the last day of 2011, and I must say I'm a bit sad about that. I had a bitchin' good year, and I think it's all due to my New Year's "themes", instead of resolutions. I mentioned in a previous post, that I was never good at keeping resolutions, so I started a new trend several years ago and made a theme for the New Year. This past year it was "git 'er dun in twenty, one, one". As I mentioned previously, that encompassed a whole host of things from cleaning out closets, to knocking items off my bucket list. I must say I adhered to that theme right up until today, and I got some serious shit dun in twenty, one, one.

As we approach midnight, I have thought of my theme for the upcoming year. Drum roll please........... "Pursue what I'm meant to do in twenty, one, two". It only took me 48 years, but I KNOW without a shadow of a doubt, that I am now meant to pursue some sort of career with the written word. You have all inspired me with your kind words and encouragement every single day through your comments, text messages, phone calls, emails etc. in response to my blog. I seriously never realized people found me funny before. I get such a charge out of making you laugh that my mind is constantly turning every day wondering what will bring you joy.

OK, enough of that sappy shit. I may also pursue my goal of becoming a cougar. I'm not getting any younger, and those cubs are growing up so damn fast. Of course you know I'm also meant to meet Anderson Cooper some day. If our meeting gets cozy enough, I could knock out those two pursuits in one shot. He is younger than me after all. RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!

So, my wish for all of you is that you either continue on your current path if that brings you joy, or pursue whatever it is YOU are meant to do in twenty, one, two!!!!!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Hy-phen-at-ers

Time for me to rant and rave a bit. And yes, this is one of my opinionated posts where I may offend some folks, and I make no apologies for that 'cause I'm just keep in it real for ya!!!! I think it's stupid when people, male and female, take each others' last names and hyphenate them. You know like Susi Jones-Smith and her husband Jimmy Jones-Smith. Their children are named Sally Jones-Smith and Bobby Jones-Smith.

Now if that isn't damn ignorant enough, if Sally and Bobby want to keep the family tradition going, when they get married, they will have a 3 hyphenated last name. Yeppers, they will be Sally Jones-Smith-Lawson or Bobby Jones-Smith-Brown. But just think if one of them marries someone with a hyphenated last name. Holy God, now they have a 4 hyphenater like Bobby Jones-Smith-Brown-Wilson.

You see where I'm going with this. The poor kids already can't fit their names on the damn bubble sheets on standardized tests. How in the hell are they going to get accepted into college if their freakin' name doesn't even fit onto the SAT form????? Every generation is going to add a f#!@ing hyphenated last name. How would you like to be the kid on the first day of kindergarten whose name wraps around the whole damn hallway? Fifty generations later and that kid won't even be able to spell his last name until he graduates from high school.

You know if I was really sadistic I could have TORTURED the hell out of my kids and stuck them with my maiden name- Uffelman. No one could ever spell it or pronounce it. It was even misspelled on my high school diploma. They could be Conner and Ryan Uffelman-Church. Yea, a nice Pennsylvania Dutch-English combination there. Then think of the combos in future generations if someone married an Asian or a Russian. WHEW, those would be hyphenaters to be reckoned with!!! 

 

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Deb's Mission Impossible

YYYYYYIIIIIIIIIIIIIKKKKKKKEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!!!! WWWWWWWHHHHOOOOOOAAAAAA SISTA!!!!!!!!! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, SAY IT ISN'T SO, WTF???????? There you have it folks, I said what all of you were thinkin'.

Tom Cruise may have a blockbuster with Mission Impossible 4, but today was truly a mission impossible for me. This past week my personal hygiene has been lax to say the least. I had a mother f#@%er of a cold that kept me out of commission for most of the Christmas holiday. That meant if the shower graced my body, it was a monumental occasion. Good thing Santa comes in the middle of the night, 'cause if he saw me, his fat ass would have high tailed it up that chimney so damn fast that I wouldn't even have gotten a lump of coal in my stocking.

Anyway, today I had my 5 week hair appointment to cover my grey, (see my previous post grey needle in a brunette haystack), and NUTHIN' was gonna stop me from makin' that all important date. I actually slapped on a few swipes of makeup for the big event. When I walked in, I apologized to my hair stylist for the condition of my hair, which had not been brushed in over 24 hours. She looked at me ever so sweetly, and said, "I know you've been sick. Uh, do you think we need to cut your hair today"? I think that was her tactful way of sayin', "Honey, you need a MAJOR fu!@ing overhaul"

My dear, southern' stylist started workin' her magic. Now I'm keepin' it real for all you guys reading this. If any of your significant others get their hair highlighted or colored, they look EXACTLY like I do in that picture. They are just too damn embarrassed to tell you. But there are advantages to having those foils on your head. You can actually communicate with aliens. Several years ago I was abducted while having those foils on my head, and I'm here to tell you there IS life on other planets.

You can also have really cool conversations with people who are rumored to have gone to the great beyond. Today for instance, my foils picked up a titillating conversation between Elvis and Marilyn Monroe, and I had to twist my foils the other way because the X-Rated things they were talking about were just a tad too racy for my sensitive ears.


TA DA, 4 hours later and the mission is complete. Damn, I wonder if Elvis made it to home plate...........

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

From Trash To Treasure

Can anyone guess what that contraption is smack dab in the middle of the trash pile with the numbers on it? No, it's not a calculator or a make shift bomb? It's actually Jeff's first cell phone circa 1991. I'm sure the bigger question you are all thinking is why in the hell do we still have it? I wish I had an answer for ya.

Long story short is that I received a certificate from Jeff and the boys on Christmas day that they would provide the labor on a "redo" of the cave where I currently bring you my blog, and turn it into a more Deb friendly blog atmosphere. Believe me, this is no easy feat as the current space is piled full of shit that no one has dared to sort through since the dark ages. Yesterday Jeff had a day off from work and he decided to take the first step. After he filled a few trash bags he was jokingly telling the boys about some of the crap he found in the room, one of which was his first cell phone ever that weighed about 5 pounds and caused him to walk sideways when he carried it in his pocket.

OH MY GAWD, Conner went nutso thinking that cell phone must be worth some serious money as it is an "antique" by now. He frantically takes every piece of garbage out of the bags searching in vain for that damn cell phone to no avail. Ryan goes over and finds that stupid phone in 2 seconds flat and takes it from him. Then the arguments start. "I searched that whole bag for that phone, it's MINE","It's MINE because I found it", "You didn't even want it until I said it was worth money", "Nu uh I didn't help because I was still eating dessert" (ya gotta have priorities ya know).

  
Jeff decided to settle the argument by digging through the trash and finding our first VHS video recorder and giving that to Ryan. You would have thought Santa Claus came again. That kid laughed and howled and had a freakin' blast checking out that ancient relic. We even had some old VHS tapes to put into the recorder for him. He really cracked up when we told him we were flat broke when we bought that thing, but we scrimped and saved 'cause we just HAD to have it in 1995 when Conner was born.

After the laughter died down from playing with those golden oldies, I seriously thought of calling the experts at the show "Hoarders" because we obviously have a real problem. Who the hell keeps that shit in their house, not to mention we moved at least 4 times since that cell phone was purchased and 3 times since the video camera was purchased. We actually paid to move that crap. WE ARE SICK, I'M TELLIN' YA, SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, December 26, 2011

Marc is Way Off the Mark

US magazine reports that Marc Anthony may fight J Lo on their current custody arrangements of their 3 year old twins. Seems like the Latin lover is pissed off that J Lo has found herself a new squeeze in a young buck named Casper Smart, a 24 year old back up dancer. I say GO COUGAR GO!!!!!!!

First of all, J Lo was named People magazine's most beautiful woman of 2011. I certainly can't argue that. She is stunningly gorgeous. What I could NEVAH figure out is why the most beautiful woman was married to quite possibly the ugliest man on the planet (other than perhaps Keith Richards or Tom Petty). If the singing gig doesn't pan out, he could definitely have a booming career in horror flicks. Not much makeup required to make him the hideous villain!! Plus, no woman wants to outweigh their man. SERIOUSLY, does Marc even weigh 120 pounds soaking wet? How could you even get pumped up for the boudoir if your husband's thighs looked like an anorexic chicken?

Be that as it may, reports from the tabloids have Marc hitting the roof after he saw photos of J Lo's new boy toy bonding with their 3 year old twins on a beach in Hawaii over Thanksgiving weekend. Marc may now go back on his word and fight J Lo over their custody arrangement which gives her primary custody. He reportedly would like to see J Lo date someone "more her equal".

My take on the whole deal goes back to those wise words from that awesome Kid Rock song. Marc is just pissed off and jealous 'cause J Lo's new man is "half his age and twice as hot"!!!!!!!

Photo: John Shearer/Wire Image

Sunday, December 25, 2011

The Golden Goose

Our family decided to try something new this year for Christmas dinner. For some crazy reason, I thought we needed to cook a goose. I sent my cheapo husband out to the gourmet shop to buy the big bird and he came home saying the damn thing better have golden eggs inside because it costs 91 f*!#ing dollars. That's right- what you see laying there costs $91.00. Now I'm not near as cheap as Jeff, but even I was horrified. For an instant I was thinking the ducks at the retention pond in our neighborhood don't look so damn bad, and our kids are pretty good shots with their air soft guns. How cool would that be?

Low and behold, as Santa watched us take out the innards, not one damn golden egg fell out of the goose's ass. We stuffed that sucker full of potatoes, sausage, onions and apples like the recipe said and popped it in the oven. It better taste like a million bucks because I'm thinkin' we got ripped off in either the price or egg department.

I was going to post a picture of the masterpiece after it came out of the oven, but to be honest I'm already 4 Debosas's into Christmas day. A Debosa is a glass of champagne with a splash of Mimosa on top for those of you who are unaware. So I highly doubt I will be in any shape to take a picture in a few hours. Instead, in the spirit of the golden goose, I've been running around goosing everyone. For some reason the 8 year old neighborhood kid didn't think that was so funny. Perhaps a game of duck, duck, goose is more in order.

Since we never got a golden egg, and we were the suckers who actually paid $91 for that damn bird, I guess the old saying rings true, "Our goose is cooked".

Saturday, December 24, 2011

The Grey Needle in a Brunette Haystack

The other day one of my friends posted on facebook, "I just found my first grey hair, sniffle, sniffle". Now we are talkin' about a beautiful 40'ish woman here folks. I don't know about you, but I felt the old jealousy rise up in me when I read that post so much so that I wanted to scream, "ARE YOU FOR REAL, YOU F#@!ING BITCH"???????

Instead, I did what every good friend does and posted a nice simple reply that said, "Welcome to the land of the big girls, monthly hair appointments and budgeting for total grey coverage. I became a big girl when I was 17 and found my first grey hair. Wait until you find your first grey short and curly. Now that is something to cry over". Then I looked at my grey roots and temples that are in BAD need of a touch up and thought, SHIT, why did I get the genetic grey card?

You know people have all kinds of ways to "cover" their grey. People pluck, highlight, or go for the all over industrial strength hair dye. Grey hair on your head is one thing, but grey hair on other parts of your body just ain't pretty. I don't mind admitting that I have taken advantage of laser hair removal. It is THE BEST modern day invention and I highly recommend it to everybody-male and female!!!!

Many years ago I had my underarms lasered and my pits are smooth as a baby's bottom. No more 5 o'clock shadow. I rarely look at my underarms, other than to slap some deodorant on there, as they just aren't an issue anymore. However, one thing the laser does not kill is grey hair follicles. So, every now and then I will see a long crazy hair growing out of my pit and I'll be damned if it isn't a wild grey hair. If you haven't already, just wait until you pluck a grey hair outta your armpit and tell me how that makes you feel. REAL YOUNG AND SEXY LEMME TELL YA!!!!!!!

So far I haven't seen any crazy grey hairs sprouting from my legs which have been recently lasered. I'm sure it's just a matter of time. Now the pubic hairs are a discussion for an entirely separate blog. You may need a stiff drink while you read that one.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

I Want To Pump You Up!!!

Kasia Rivera, 34, has been placed under arrest, for illegally performing a penis enhancement without a licence

DAMN, how would you like that chick pointing a needle at you? Whew, I would run fur the hills. One 22 year old guy wasn't so lucky after she injected his penis with silicone hoping it would expand and blossom. Unfortunately, he died from complications. And another woman got her ass pumped full of cement, mineral oil and flat-tire sealant by another fake doctor in an attempt to get a curvier body. Big surprise, she suffered complications too, but was lucky enough to survive. Luckily both of those fake doctors were arrested.

Call me crazy, but anyone who goes to these "pumping parties" where untrained professionals are shooting people's bodies full of silicone kinda gotta know that this shit ain't safe. The old saying ya git whatcha pay fur is playing over and over in my head. Now I'm all about calling around and price shopping, but if the "doctor" you choose ain't in the yellow pages, ya might wanna keep on lookin'.

That being said, back in my lawyering days, I was involved in a case which was part of a class action lawsuit against a real licensed urologist who was performing penile enlargements. My client suffered severe complications from this surgery and almost had to have his penis amputated. This doctor seriously injured many guys with lasting effects. You talk about an awesome consultation. Thankfully, there were pictures and I didn't have to perform a personal examination of the injured party's injured member. That was definitely the highlight of my legal career!!!!!

I seriously doubt this type of pumping is what SNL had in mind when they coined the phrase, "I want to pump you up!"


Monday, December 19, 2011

Hoot Done It?

Big news for novelist Michael Peterson. He is going to get a new trial because a key prosecution witness misled jurors about the strength of bloodstain evidence in his original trial. Mr. Peterson was found guilty of first degree murder in the 2001 death of his wife Kathleen. Mr. Peterson had claimed his wife died of an accidental fall down the staircase after drinking alcohol and taking Valium. The jurors didn't buy it after evidence that she was beaten by a fireplace poker was presented.

However, the guy sits in prison for a few years and now comes up with this whopper theory for his new trial- THE OWL DID IT!!!!!!!!  HOOT HOOT!!!! Yes folks, those damn owls are freakin' viscous in Durham, NC where the murder took place. The newspapers are FULL of reports of people dying every day from an owl attack.

Mr. Peterson now claims his wife was drinking wine that evening and decided to take out the trash or something. When she walked outside, the owl was lurking. The owl swooped down on her, crashed into her head and dug its talons into the back of her skull. She struggled with the owl but the bird swept in again digging deeper into the back of her head. The owl hit her again and again causing lacerations as she tried to ward off her attacker. She then ran inside the house and collapsed at the bottom of the steps because she was bleeding and in pain. She tried to get up but she slipped on her own blood causing her to hit her head on the bottom step.

Now that is downright scary!!! I don't know about you but I'm NEVAH, EVAH going outside again after dark for fear of those killer owls. And I thought the only critters we had to worry about here in North Cackalacky were lizards and snakes.

WOW, they sure didn't teach us those types of bonehead defenses at the law school I attended. But, I will give him creativity points. However, I do think he may want to use that creativity in his next novel instead of his defense on first degree murder charges. Stay tuned for the trial to find out hoot done it.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Whoopi Cushion

I LOVE me a girl who is a straight shooter, 'cause I fancy myself as one!!! Whoopi Goldberg let one rip on her show The View the other day and made no attempt to hide it. I mean really how could you cover up that bull horn. Instead of sitting there in misery she just lets 'er fly baby. RIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!!!!! She does apologize to her co-host Joy and her guest Clair Danes by saying, "Excuse me, I think I just blew a little frog outta there". Apparently farting on live TV is nothing new for Whoopi. Back in May, she admitted to Dr. Oz during an interview that she farts on her show all the time. Love that honesty!!!

Farting has no boundaries and is notoriously funny for all ages. Does anything really give you the giggles more as a kid than when the gas man comes a callin'? Living in a house with all boys, it's fart heaven!! My boys think the dutch oven is the freakin' bomb and receive much pleasure out of doing that to each other.

Then you graduate to the walking farts, you know the kind that pop with every step you take. And ya gotta love the trailers. Those farts that leave the trail of smell behind you long after you have walked away. I have no problem talking about farts because I grew up with the King of Farts!!! My Dad is the Master. He lets 'em rip in public and makes no apology, and let me tell ya, the volume is definitely something he should hold a Guinness Book of World Records for.

One time when my son Conner was about 5 years old we were eating in a restaurant and my Dad blew a massive bottle rocket out of his ass. Everyone turned around to stare, and Conner so innocently and sweetly said, "I'm sorry but my Grandpa has gas". Everyone busted out laughing while I wanted the floor to open up so I could fall through and disappear. 

I guess Whoopi has the same philosophy as my Dad who always says, "God damn it Deb, why should I sit here and suffer gas pains when I can share the suffering with the whole f!@#ing world?" That's fine and dandy until you no longer blow just air and you squeeze out the dreaded shart. Then my friends you are in serious trouble!!!!!     

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Lonesome Loser



"Have you heard about the lonesome loser? She's a loser but she still keeps on trying" . I sort of felt like that Little River Band song was written for me last night.

Back in the summer, I saw that Kenny G was coming to Durham to play a holiday concert. I first asked my husband to go, who is a serious hard rocker. He said he would rather poke a stick in his eye. I guess that meant Hell No, I Won't Go. Undeterred, I sent out a mass email to all my concert going friends thinking we could make a nice girls' trip, stay overnight, shop etc. Here are some of the responses I got back: "Not a fan; Uh, I THINK I'm doing something that night; that is the music I used to play to put the kids to sleep when I was a preschool teacher". And my all time favorite- "Is he still alive???????"

Now I had a decision to make. Do I throw in the towel and be pissed off that I'm not going to be able to knock this item off my bucket list (yes seeing Kenny G was on my bucket list), or do I put my big girl thong on, suck it up and go solo. You guessed it!!!! And you would not believe the amazing seat you can get when you are only buying one ticket. Front and center 6 rows back!!!! 

All my friends were making fun of me before the show because I said I was going to throw a leopard print thong onstage. They said Kenny G was more used to Spanx being thrown at him. My guy friends said they thought he would rather like a pair of my husband's mankinis. Oh well, laugh all you want, 'cause this lonesome loser had a blast!!!!

I shopped all day, checked into my hotel and popped my 1/2 bottle of champagne. Perfect for the solo traveler. My dinner reservations were at Ruth's Chris, which was attached to my hotel. You know, dining solo sure does have its advantages. Another lonesome loser sitting at the bar, sent me over a glass of wine. After seeing those outrageous prices, I gladly thanked him for my $16 glass of Molly Dooker.

AAAAAAHHHHHH then the show. Yes, I was in the minority seeing that I was not yet a member of the blue hair club. But lemme tell ya, Kenny G's music gets those old folks' hormones flowin' just like the spring chickens. The senior citizens sitting next to me were rubbing each other's thighs and kissing like a couple of teenagers. Guess that old codger took his Viagra before the show!!!

I must say I'm used to seeing some rockers in concert where you have to claw and fight your way to get a beer. So at intermission, I went out to refill my wine glass. There was a guy standing there with a huge ass sign that read, "The Line Starts Here". I dutifully follow directions only to find out that was the bathroom line. I guess the Depends undergarments on most of those folks only hold up for the first act.  There ain't no one standing in line for alcohol at the Kenny G concert. Imagine that!!!!!

Yea, I'm thinking this lonesome loser got the last laugh 'cause I HAVE to be the only person on the face of this earth who EVAH woke up with a whopping hangover after a Kenny G concert. Now that's something to be damn proud of!!!!!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Sounds (and Sights) of the Season

Ya gotta love those middle school band concerts. The tweens are so excited to play their instruments for their parents, siblings, grandparents and neighbors. And everyone is so very proud of them because this is really the highlight of their musical talents thus far.

Last night our family attended the winter concert at our son's middle school where he plays the trumpet in the 6th grade band. Although the band put on a great show, the BETTAH entertainment was in the audience. A 4 year old boy was sitting in front of us and he acted like a Mexican jumping bean. He was jumping up and down and flinging his head from side to side like Willow Smith's song, "I Whip My Hair Back and Forth" for 2 straight hours. Talk about some anger management issues too. He was wringing the neck on his stuffed teddy bear like you would want to do to Charles Manson. Then he would crawl under the seat and play with discarded gum and try to touch my son's shoes. The crazy thing is that his mother just sat there obliviously videotaping the concert the entire time completely ignoring him. I'm pretty sure they make medication to control that type of behavior. Or perhaps the old fashioned kick in the ass might work wonders.

That mother might want to talk to the Dad behind us who had his 8 year old in a headlock for most of the concert. Now that's a discipline style I agree with. Go Dad Go!!!!!!!! Then there was a lady to the right of us with a camera so large I'm pretty sure she needed security clearance to get into the building. I suspect she wasn't really taking pictures of her kid, but she was really a spy. The lens on that damn camera could see from here to China.

WHEW, when it was time for the 8th graders to perform, we saw a bit more than just a concert!!!!!! Let's just say that Little Miss Hoochie, Hoochie front and center needs to learn that a 3 inch skirt ain't gonna cover her Coochie Coochie!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Signed, Sealed, Delivered, It's Yours

Yep, I'm talking about the dreaded Christmas letter. Who really enjoys receiving and reading other people's fabulous news from the past year? You know if I haven't seen you, spoken with you, facebooked you, texted you, emailed you, or IM'd you in the past five years then I'll cut you some slack and agree that maybe a Christmas letter is in order. But really, no one wants to hear that your family went to Australia for 2 glorious weeks while most people are struggling to make ends meet, or that your kid got accepted to that Ivy League college while the majority of folks are fist pumping each other 'cause their child got accepted to a state school.

Every single year we receive the Christmas letter from hell. My husband and I used to roll our eyes when it arrived, but now it has become the big joke in our family and we laugh our asses off. It is written by a couple of British descent, so we make tea and scones and I read it in my best British accent to the whole family. Last year the letter was 3 pages long. Yes, you read that correctly. Three entire pages detailing everything from the children's music lessons, sports, clubs, the appendectomy and the wonderful effects of morphine, and one child's walk on the wild side and unfortunate stint in reform school. Of course nothing beats the entire paragraph devoted to the pet snake.

This year the letter was only 1 page, and you will all be glad to know the wild child "has taken a turn for the better" and doing great at school. Unfortunately, the pet snake has met his demise. Since I didn't send Christmas cards this year, I'm thinking I owe everyone a Christmas letter next year. I can fill everyone in about my family's bout with diarrhea after eating some tainted seafood, my 11 year old's horrendous body odor, and my husband getting his belly roll sucked into the new fat freezing machine at his office. Now that's some real life shit everybody is gonna wanna read fur sure!!!!!!!

P.S. Wilmington friends- please vote for my blog in the Encore "Best Of" edition at www.encorepub.com  Thanks for your support!!!!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Happy Birthmas!

Today is exactly 2 weeks before Christmas and it also happens to be my birthday. For all of you who have a December birthday, I know you will agree with me when I say IT SUCKS!!!!!! It not only sucks, it ROYALLY sucks. My whole life I was given the dreaded combo gift. You know, the birthday/Christmas present combined. My all time favorite was when I received a combo present wrapped in Christmas paper. REALLY???????? Why don't you just say Happy Birthmas or Merry Christday to me on my birthday. So, all of you people of child bearing age, do the math. NEVAH, EVAH have sex in March or you risk having a December baby who will get shafted their whole life.

To add insult to injury, my parents never threw me a birthday party because "it was just too close to Christmas". Imagine how that felt for your sweet 16???? Am I bitter about that? HELL YEA!!!!!! So, ever since I have been an adult, I have always treated myself right on my birthday. I throw myself my own birthday party and it has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. I complain about it enough that my friends all know not to EVAH wrap my present in Christmas paper.

I have taken great trips for my birthday, had cocktail parties at home, lunches with friends and fabulous dinners. But nothing compared to last year's GRAND celebration and it wasn't even a milestone birthday. My awesome friend Grayson organized an adult scavenger hunt for me and a bunch of girlfriends. Each of the girls had to write down one item that I was to "perform" during the course of the evening. Believe me, these girls were very creative and took no pity on the birthday girl.

We started out in a nice quiet wine bar where I had to go into the bathroom and change into my WVU bikini and come out and sing the WVU fight song for the patrons. I needed to order my wine and appetizers in a series of rhymes. From there we hit another bar and played adult Jenga that my good friend Vanessa made. We made some new male friends there, but had to ditch them because riding a mechanical bull was on my to do list. WHEW, talk about crazy!!! We performed a few country line dances as a warm up, and then I was instructed to recite this poem to the bartender: It's my birthday but the present is for you, I need a "crawl down my pussy" and I need it from you. I knew I was in trouble when the bartender had to get out his mixology book to make the drink. UGH, it was nasty, but it sure helped calm down the jitters for ridin' that bull.

Nothing really prepared us for two guys dressed in overalls and wearing cowboy hats claiming to be chicken farmers. They were on us like flies on shit. One picked me up over his head and spun me around. Time to leave!!!! On to the last stop of the evening where I had to find the scariest guy in the bar and ask him for a condom. I found this chore the most challenging. My girlfriends thought it was hysterical that I had to ask a guy about 70 years old, probably homeless, with about 2 teeth in his mouth if he had a condom. Luckily, for my mental health, he did not.

Somehow I'm thinking my brunch today is going to be a bit more tame than last year's celebration. Of course you NEVAH know once the Debosas start to flow!!!!!!

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Cougar Campaign

Some people have all the damn luck. How do you score a sweet deal like this? Ashton Kutcher has been offered an endorsement deal by a dating site called Cougarlife.com whereby the site will pay 1/2 of his alimony to Demi Moore if he only dates cougars. The cougars must be women at least 10 years older than him, he must post "mutually approved tweets" about "cougar relationships" at least 15 times a month, and be the face of an international marketing campaign for a company that describes itself as a "dating website for women looking to catch younger men".

SIGN ME THE HELL UP!!!!!!!!! I always joke around with my husband that my goal in life is to be a cougar. He tells me to go hang out at the dining hall at our local college and see if I can catch a cub or two. But hey, this deal seem legit. I mean the poor guy probably has to pay millions in alimony, so why not try to help him get a bargain deal. Half price is pretty damn good when you are talking millions.

Now I know I don't hold a candle to the smokin' HOT Demi, but if Ashton ever wants to go slummin', he could help me meet my goal of becoming a cougar, and I could help him save a few millions. That's a win/win in my book. 

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Nookie Cookie

It's that time of the year again. This Saturday morning is Dirty DI-AAAA-NA!'s annual cookie exchange. Believe me folks, this ain't no ordinary cookie exchange. It is a highly coveted event that only 25 lucky ladies get invited to every year. I had been lobbying for an invite for many years, and finally made it on the "A list" a couple of years ago because I knocked someone off. May she rest in peace.

Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! is absolutely the most creative person I know. The first year I was invited, the invitation came in a Chinese take out box and the theme for that year was Chinese fortunes. You needed to bring your cookies and a fortune. I showed up and Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! had a damn pagoda erected around the entry way to her house. The liquor was flowing and the gourmet food was to die for. When it came time for all of us ladies to say our fortunes one by one I was feeling a bit embarrassed since I was the newbie in the crowd. However, I am quite competitive and I had my eye on that prize!! Some of the fortunes were really cute, some were sentimental, and some were holiday related.

But I know that sex sells!!!!!! Just ask Larry Flynt and Hugh Hefner. So when it was my turn I told this fortune, "Man who doesn't eat cookie, probably does same while making whoopie". Everyone voted on the best fortune and I came out the big WINNAH!!!!

The next year was a Barbie theme. Dirty Di-AAAA-NA! had a freakin' mannequin on her upstairs balcony, food that would make Paula Dean jealous, and of course amazing cocktails. Since I scored so well with my sex theme the previous year, I thought I would keep it going. I borrowed a Barbie from my friend Vanessa, and as luck would have it, she was dressed in a pretty red velvet Christmas dress. PERFECT!!!! I named her Christmas Barbie, discreetly taped a cookie to her crotch (since Barbies don't wear panties) lifted her dress, opened her legs, and said she was spreading the Christmas joy with her nookie cookie. You guessed it- another WINNAH!!!!

This year the theme is pajamas. It might surprise you but I'm doing a complete 180 and staying under the radar this year. The PJ's I bought for the event are completely fuddy duddy. I figured I had my time in the spot light. This sex kitten is retired (well maybe just on sabbatical for a year).

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dump and Dial

Most people would agree that women are the masters of multi-tasking. We are wives, mothers, have careers, volunteer, do chores etc. The list is endless. But, there comes a point when you take multi-tasking a bit too far. Case in point is the other day when my good friend La-A (pronounced LaDasha) goes to use the public restroom where she works.  

La-A walks into the workplace restroom for a quick tinkle, and is hit by the stench of someone in the poop potty. For those of you who are unaware, that's the "handicapped stall" at the far end that gives you the most privacy possible in a public restroom. As La-A locks the door on her stall, she hears the woman in the shit stall say, "Oh, I'm not sure if I'll be able to". HOLY CRAP, the woman carries on an entire conversation on her cell phone while she's doing her business.

Now I don't know about men, but most of my sista friends agree that we have trouble taking the Browns to the Super Bowl in a public restroom. Unless you have a stomach virus or ate some bad Mexican food, we really need to be in the privacy of our own chambers to feel entirely comfortable. And I can assure you, most women do NOT chat up their friends on their cell phones while in the middle of their morning constitutional.   

But this woman had no discretion. Yeppers, the chatty crapper might not have been drunk dialing, but she sure was dump dialing.

P.S. Awesome blog material La-A!!!!!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Christmas Crazies

How about this crazy dude in Leesburg, Va who set up this display outside the county courthouse featuring Santa Claus crucified on a cross? He meant to depict society's materialistic obsessions and addictions and how that is killing the peace, love, joy and kindness that is supposed to be prevalent during the holiday season. DAMN, I don't know about you, but that ain't the message I'm receiving from that display.

Now I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if he wanted to get that particular point across, perhaps a display of Santa flippin' the bird would do the trick. Or my favorite is the giant blowup from the company Gemme where Santa is shootin' the moon. There is nuthin' bettah than seeing Santa's pale, fat ass to spread the word.

And what do you think about this teacher from Michigan who changed the lyrics in the classic Christmas carol "Deck the Halls"? She replaced the word "gay" with the word "bright" to keep children from giggling and fixating on the word "gay". WOW, so instead of taking the opportunity to teach the children the meaning of the word "gay" in the classic carol, she just unilaterally changes it. I wish I would have thought of that avoidance technique when my kids would ask embarrassing questions like, "when am I going to get hair on my winker like Daddy"? I could have just changed the words and said that was dirt, not hair. Sure fire way to avoid the puberty talk!!!!!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Spreading the Christmas Joy One Customer at a Time

This morning I was at Sam's Club doing the "big run" as I call it. That means hoarding a food supply for my two growing boys and other various and sundry items. As I went to the checkout area, I chose one particular line, not because it was the shortest, but because the middle aged guy working the register was wearing a Santa hat. Something in my gut just told me he had an awesome attitude.

Damn if I wasn't spot on!!!! Amongst my industrial sized case of dog food, laundry detergent, meat and tampons, were a few bottles of wine. As the guy in the Santa hat rang up the first bottle of wine, he looked at me with a wicked smile and said, "Dear, you sure don't look 21 so I'm going to have to ask for your ID". I looked at his name tag and said, "You just made my holiday Robert".  I handed over my ID and he studied it, and then he looked back at me and said, "Really?" I replied, "Yep, I've been around the block a few times." Robert replied, "Hell, I built the block". Then I gave a good ol' belly laugh. He asked if anyone ever told me that I had a great laugh. I told him people have mentioned it once or twice in my 21 years. That caused him to laugh, and we struck up a lively conversation right there in the Sam's check out line.

Robert was one of those random people you meet and just instantly like. I told Robert I would be back at quittin' time and we could unscrew the cap on one of my bottles of wine and share another laugh or two. I can wear my Santa hat with the crazy lights, drive my Sequoia with the reindeer antlers and a red nose in front right back on over to Sam's Club just in time for happy hour!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Coup Continues

For many years I've been privileged to attend my friend Lisa's Christmas ornament exchange the first weekend in December. The cast of players changes from year to year, but there are a few old stand-bys. The things that never change are the amazing food, the copious amount of laughter and the champagne glasses that never seem to be empty.

About four years ago, my good friend Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! and I decided to rig this ornament exchange to our advantage so we could take the good shit home for ourselves. Everyone draws numbers and you start opening a new wrapped ornament or stealing someone else's. After two steals, the ornament is "retired" and no one can steal it again, except for the lucky person who picked # 1.

As always, some ornaments are cute, some funky, some traditional, some downright hideous and cheap. Well early on in the game Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! and I peg the ornaments we each want for ourselves and we start rigging the deal so we can be sure to go home WINNAHS! I'm proud to say we have never failed and no one has caught on to our dirty little scheme.

Yesterday was no exception. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! wanted the huge martini glass ornament and the matching wine stopper designed with a woman's sexy legs and floppy boobs. I wanted the ornaments pictured below. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA's ornament was stolen once, but as luck would have it, when my turn came around, I stole it, and whammo it was now retired. Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! was up next and she had everyone "expose themselves", or lay out their ornaments, because some bitch was hiding the ones that I wanted and trying to keep them off the market. AH HAH, my partner in crime found them, and I coyly said, "Oh those look good." My partner was pickin' up what I was puttin' down. Now all we had to worry about was the lucky person who drew the #1 card because she could steal anything. But that person was our friend Heather, and she's got our back. She ain't messin' up our slimy deal. She would help us clean up the blood if necessary.

When it was all said and done, I had the ornaments Dirty DI-AAAA-NA! wanted and vise versa. We pulled the old switcheroo when no one was looking and toasted each other to another successful coup.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Taking the Happy out of Happy Meals

Did you hear the latest crap out of San Francisco? Restaurant meals can NO longer include a free toy unless they have less than 600 calories, contain fruits and veggies, and have a beverage that isn't excessively sugary or fatty. You guessed it. They took the happy right out of Happy Meals.

However, McDonald's found a way to side step the city ordinance by offering its customers the option to purchase a toy separately for 10 cents. THANK GOD for brilliant marketing!!!!!!! I mean how stupid do legislators think we really are? Most people know that when they go to fast food restaurants they ain't gettin' quality food. You don't need to legislate that we can't have a free Hello Kitty or Power Rangers toy on top of our 2,000 calorie meal if we choose to eat that shit!!!

Every now and then I enjoy a Happy Meal myself. There is just something about opening that box, eating my cheeseburger, and getting my free toy that just puts a smile on my face. I know I'm eating crap and I don't give a shit. But, I paid for it and I damn well want my free toy in my box. Now yesterday, I went whole hog and had a double cheeseburger, large fries and a diet coke ('cause a girl's gotta save calories somewhere). I didn't expect a free toy because I paid for an adult meal, however, if they had the option of purchasing an ADULT toy for 10 cents I certainly would have signed up for that deal!!!!!!!! WHOO HOO!!!!!!!!!! Talk about brilliant marketing McDonald's might want to start thinking about...................... That sure would put the HAPPY right on back where it counts.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Herman the Human Candy Cain

DANG, women are comin ' out of the woodwork to claim they had a piece of Herman's candy Cain aren't they? A woman now claims she had a 13 year consensual affair with Herman, but to our surprise, he denies it yet again. You know, I'll give him one or two false claims, but every day you turn on the news, and someone else is saying that Herman wanted her to lick his candy Cain, or that Herman wanted her to unwrap his candy Cain, or that Herman wanted to stick his candy Cain in her warm gingerbread house.
I think we all heard this song and dance before huh? "I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman". Hell, that famous line is even immortalized in Kenny G's Auld Lang Syne Millennium Mix.  I can just hear it now on Kenny G's new holiday album, "That woman did NOT take a bite of my candy Cain".     


Monday, November 28, 2011

Saturday Night Showdown

Saturday night just seems to have that certain WOW factor you know? Lovers go on date night, singles go out to PAR-TAY, teens hang out with their friends, and the freaks start waving their flags!!! This past Saturday night was especially ripe for a freak show.

A man dressed as Frosty the Snowman was arrested during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, MD. Frosty says he became agitated after a dog-handling police officer tried to escort him away from the crowd. Sure hope there ain't no heaters in jail, 'cause you talk about agitation!!!! The guards are gonna be moppin' old Frosty up off the floor.

Down here in North Cackalacky, right up the road from where I live, a second grade teacher was arrested on Saturday night and charged with trafficking in opium or heroin. DANG, the budget cuts must be worse than people think. Pretty good paying gig I imagine if you don't get caught. Of course word on the street is that the best dealers are NOT users. That would make me feel better if my child was in her class.

Then in a sleepy little neighborhood, not unlike many others in the nation, a known substance abuser, affectionately called the "Vicodin Villain", bangs on his neighbor's door, clad only in a towel and tighty whities, and demands to be let in because his son is going to kill him. When he is refused entry, the Vicodin Villain parks his ass on his neighbor's rocking chair on their front porch and waits for the cops and ambulance to arrive. Eyewitness reports thought Baby Huey made a resurgence.

I don't know about you folks, but I can't wait for this coming Saturday night.  Grab yourself a glass of eggnog, sit back and enjoy the freak show.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Rub a Deb Deb!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH the spa at the Grove Park Inn...... I had such an amazing experience yesterday enjoying all the amenities including the indoor pool, plunge pool, whirlpool, eucalyptus steam room, outdoor pool, and of course a couple glasses of vino. Whew, I was downright delirious when it was my actual appointment time. But alas, a handsome young thang named Jason came and fetched me for my mountain honey wrap.

Jason escorted me to a treatment room and explained that he was going to slough my body with a body brush, then rub my entire body with a mixture of corn meal and honey. Then after I showered, he was going to massage me with special body buttah. I pinched myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and then Jason looked at me in all seriousness and asked, "would you like me to do your abs and glutes as well"? WHOA, you mean you are actually asking permission whether your 20 something hands can slough, buff, and polish my dried up middle aged ass??????? The answer to that question Jason, is not only yes, it's F@!#ING HELL YES!!!!!!!!

Let me tell ya, Jason did not disappoint. Of course how could any woman of my age be disappointed when a young, handsome stud is rubbing her ass? For 90 glorious minutes I had the cougar fantasy locked up. Who cares that I was actually paying the dude. The fact remains the young guy was all mine for those 90 minutes. Now just imagine what that poor guy thought when he pulled back the sheet and saw my old, flabby, wrinkled ass. I think I heard a muffled scream, but hey, he chose this career and you gotta take the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Black and Blue Friday

So in L.A we got a crazy lady wielding pepper spray to get her electronic bargains. What a damn wimp... Down hur in Fayetteville, North Cackalacky home boys bring guns to the party. Yeppers shoppers scattered at a Fayetteville mall on Black and Blue Friday when shots were fired. Who knows what bargains they were shoppin' fo'. But now it seems they need more ammo. Trampling must be the gateway drug to pepper spray and shooting. What happened to the good ol' days when people would just elbow, punch, pull hair, and shit to get serious bargains?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

To Hell With Holiday Traditions (Well, Just This Once)

We all have them, those holiday traditions we hold so near and dear. Friends and family gathering for the holiday feast, making your Great-Grandmother's favorite recipe, getting out the fine china, hearing Grandpa farting on the couch. AAAAAAhhhhhh, the holidays............

My all time favorite holiday tradition is getting up on Thanksgiving morning and gearing up to address my scads of Christmas cards. As soon as the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade comes on, I pop the champagne and get ready for my first Debosa of the day. My good friend Vanessa coined the term "Debosa" for my fondness of a glass of champagne topped off with a splash of mimosa. I watch the parade from start to finish , knocking back Debosas, while addressing my cards. I always feel sorry for the folks in the middle of the alphabet because their label gets a bit slurred, and by the "R's, S's and W's" its amazing their card even gets delivered.

However, since we will be traveling this year for the first time in 26 years, I'm saying to Hell with tradition. If I'm not at home, where I have everything at my fingertips, I just ain't sending Christmas cards this year. OH, THE HORROR!!!!! Some things you just can't recreate somewhere else.

Now I know some of you on my Christmas card list will be downright broken up about this. I mean your holiday might be ruined without seeing the Church family smashed into our redneck mustang with the 5 foot singing Santa, or without seeing my kids wrapped up in a giant Christmas present on the beach. But hey, there's something to look forward to next year.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Still Gettin' Er Dun In 20-1-1

I've never been good at sticking with New Year's resolutions, so this year I decided to try something unique and come up with a "theme" for the year. My theme this year was "Get er dun in twenty, one, one (2011)". I must say it sure has worked for me!!! Many of you have asked over the course of the year what that really means. Well, it encompassed a whole host of things from big to small.

Some of my most notable events for the year that I got dun included cleaning out some nasty closets and drawers, downloading the theme of The Brady Bunch as the ringtone for my crackberry, Jeff and I updated our wills and did some serious estate planning, I bought sexy new lingerie (which I realized is now A MUST at least every 6 months) and I planned my entire life celebration for when I go to the great beyond, right down to the DJ's playlist.

Get er dun in 20-1-1 also included knocking quite a few items off my bucket list. One of those happens to be staying at the fantabulous Grove Park Inn in Asheville, NC for Thanksgiving to see the national gingerbread house competition and tour the Biltmore mansion as it will be decorated for Christmas. I don't mind admitting that I'm somewhat of a spa whore. I go to a spa where ever Jeff and I happen to stay and the spa at the Grove Park is by far my favortie spa EVAH. On one occasion while staying at The Grove Park Inn, I was sitting in my plush robe, sipping wine out by the outdoor pool with the beautiful stone fireplace, and admiring the gorgeous mountains. As no cell phones are allowed, a sweet lady was going around whispering something to everyone. I didn't really pay much attention until I faintly heard, "Is there a Deb Church here"? I raised my hand. She said that my husband was up front and needed to see me. I immediately thought an emergency happened with the kids who were back home in Wilmington. I rushed out there and asked what was the matter.

Now my husband, who I love dearly, does MANY things well, but ask him to spend a buck and the veins in his little bald head start to pop. He tells me he needs the key to the room safe (which I inadvertently took) so he can get his wallet and car keys. When I ask why, he says because he wants to watch the football game and the beers at the hotel bar are $5.50 a piece, and he can drive into town and buy an entire 6 pack for that.

OH MY GAWD!!!!!! ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME??????????????? You completely embarrass the hell out of me to save a few bucks????? I asked him if he knew how much money I was spending at the spa? He said he preferred not to know. When I turned around the sweet spa lady said that she hoped everything was OK. With a bright red face all I could muster was a nod before I ordered another glass of wine.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Happy ThanksLiving- NO THANKS!!!

I saw a segment on TV last night about a group of vegans who go to a farm every year to celebrate ThanksLiving, instead of ThanksGiving. These folks oppose animal cruelty and allow the turkeys to be the highlight of their celebration. The turkeys run around gobbling and eating their grub, while the vegans enjoy a meat and dairy free meal.

Now I certainly don't promote animal cruelty, but you can damn well bet the turkey is going to be the highlight of my ThanksGiving celebration too.  But the sucker won't be running around and his gobble will have been long gone!!!! I guess I'm just a crazy carnivore who chooses not to know how my meat got to my table. To me, Thanksgiving without that big, juicy bird as the centerpiece is like having sex without an orgasm. What would be the point?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

And The Winner Is: The Skinny Boy

So, yesterday my 16 year old son Conner had to get up at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to get ready for an academic competition 2 hours away. He dresses in his Dad's suit and tie ('cause we don't buy those kinds of clothes for our kids) and I tell him how to get to the nearest Starbuck's for a quick caffeine buzz before the long bus ride.

This is the North Carolina Regional competition for the Health Occupations Students of America, and Conner is competing in the persuasive argument division. WHEW, try saying that 3 times fast. The topic is whether unhealthy food, such as fast food, should be taxed. Conner took the position that it should be taxed, being that he is 5' 11'' and weighs 145 lbs soaking wet. I HATE his metabolism!!!! He can eat whatevah he wants and never gain an ounce.

Conner is well prepared as he has researched his topic well and thoroughly practiced his oral argument. When Conner gets on the bus his academic advisor says "Conner let me see your paper". "Uh, what paper", "Your paper to support your argument". "You never told me I had to write a paper". OH SHIT!!!!!! So as soon as they get to the competition site, Conner asks where the computer lab is and bangs out a paper in record time.

There are hundreds of kids at this thing, but as luck would have it, the kids taking the opposing view against my skinny boy and saying fast food should not be taxed look like Fat Albert and Roseanne Barr before her gastric bypass. Conner kicks ass in the debate, but really, his paper sucked. The judges announced the top 10 winners. Hot Damn, Conner's name is announced. Then the countdown starts, 10, 9, 8..... You guessed it, my skinny boy takes 1st place and Roseanne Bar takes 2nd. Guess there is truth in advertising. Maybe they wanted a skinny boy to represent the tax and a portly person to represent no tax. Oh well, this Momma says, A WIN IS A WIN!!!!

And how does skinny boy celebrate his success? He stops at Taco Bell on the way home and tries one of their new triple steak stacks and said it was DEE-LICIOUS!!!!!!!

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Griswolds Ain't Got Nuthin' On Me!

You can call me many things, but don't EVAH say I'm classy when it comes to Christmas decor. I will say the outside of our house is decorated tastefully (except for the fake Christmas presents from Big Lots I couldn't live without) for two reasons: 1. My husband draws the line on those big blow up things. No blow ups for any reason, for any season. (can you say Scrooge!) and 2. he says that too many outside lights are a fire hazard, which is man code for I'm too damn lazy to string all those lights together.

But, the inside of our house is MY domain and I leave no stone unturned. I literally have a piece of Christmas decor in every available space. In fact, my good friend Grayson calls my house "Kirkland's" during the holidays. For those of you who are unfamiliar with that store, it's a store that's packed to the gills with items on every shelf. That pretty much describes my house with tacky Christmas decor.

Take a gander at the 5 foot singing Santa at the left. Isn't he a beauty? When he starts singing his Christmas carols and swinging his hips you can't help but laugh your ass off!!! Some of my favorite items are pictured above. There's the shivering reindeer who seems like he's having an amazing orgasm but appears a bit embarrassed about it, the Rock and Roll Santa who sings Jingle Bell Rock 24/7 with a cute little gyration, and my all time favorite Disco Santa, who the general consensus thinks looks like he's masturbating. Look at that hand position. You should see him when he gets moving to "Funky Town". YEA BABY!!!! Hhhhhmmm, I see a theme here.......



Now if you need to use the rest room, you will LOVE to lift the Santa lid and hear the little jingle of his bell. There's just something about that jingle that makes you want to tinkle. And who wouldn't want to sleep under those twinkly lights at night? I mean how ultimate in tacky can you get!!!!!! Clark Griswold may take first prize in the tackiness award on the outdoor decor, but I'm here to give him a run for his money on the interior baby!!!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Queen of Road Rage

The other day I blogged about crazy people. Well today it was MY turn to hop aboard the crazy train. It may be hard for some of you to believe, and others not so much, but I have always had a real problem with road rage. That's me honking at you if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, and that's me honking at you if you pull out in front of me, and yeppers, that's me honking at you if you back your car out of a parking space without looking and almost ram into me.

However, if you point your finger at me and accuse me of doing something I didn't, you have got a REAL crazy bitch on your hands. I'm not talkin' just shootin' you the bird and saying a few cuss words. OH NO!!!!!! I'm talkin' all out, Mafia wives, head spinnin' kind of shit that would make you think I need an exorcism.

About a year ago I made a legal U turn in my redneck mustang and a guy riding a bicycle pointed his finger at me and said I cut him off. Now he was about 15 feet away from me and had his own lane, so I in no way cut him off from anything. I drove up right beside him and started shouting words at him that would make a sailor blush. The look on his face was priceless, because once he figured out I wasn't backin' down, he started pedalin' his ass so damn fast to get away from me while I followed him, all the while screaming obscenities out the window. Bet that's the last time he accuses a motor vehicle of cutting him off.

But today takes the cake. I'm driving my big hulkin' Toyota Sequoia down a minor roadway and a lady in HER redneck mustang almost pulls out in front of me from a driveway missing me by about 2 inches. I lay on my horn. She goes nutso and gives me the finger and calls me a bitch. As this near accident was clearly her fault, I flip her the bird back, and start screaming obscenties back at her. Then the blonde bimbo gives me two fingers and pulls up along side of me at the stop sign. What do I do? I SNAP!!! I jump out of my car, fingers pointed at her, 'cause I'm ready for a cat fight. This is the first time I've ever actually gone after someone, but damn she ticked me off!! WHOA, when I see the size of her I quickly retreat!!! All she keeps calling me is a bitch, and I keep screaming that it was her fault for almost pulling out in front of me. I did say in my best Italian Mafia voice, "Whatch ya gonna do about it fat bitch?" She didn't really have an answer for that one.

All I know is that we provided excellent entertainment for the folks sitting inside the nearby McDonald's. Now if you will excuse me I need a lozenger for my sore throat.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Super Sized Society

We all know we can "super size" our meals at McDonald's for a few cents and a 1,000 calories more, but how about those new fangled coffee drinks? My friend Jerry goes into our local coffee shop almost every day to purchase a small black coffee, but he gets a real kick out of the full figured women ordering up their Grande, extra chocolate, whole milk lattes, with a double dollop of whipped cream and sprinkles on top. Oh, and don't forget the bran muffins the size of your head with extra buttah. He looks at one of the muffins and wonders how in the hell a real person is going to get their lips around that thing, because surely only a horse could actually take a bite out of that muffin. But, the women sit down with their 600 plus calorie latte concoctions and their 500 plus calorie muffins and devour everything like a lion rips apart its prey.

When Jerry places his order of a simple black coffee, he tells the barrista, she should have a scale in front of the counter so that every customer who comes in must step on the scale before they place their order. If the scale reaches numbers it hasn't seen in awhile, it's just like the soup Nazi, "NO Grande Latte for you"!!!!!

And can you just imagine what's gonna happen after all of that caffeine, chocolate, sugar and bran????? WHEW, I say clear the coffee shop folks 'cause somethin' is gonna blow, and I don't want to be anywhere near that type of explosion!!!!!!

P.S. Thanks Jerry for the awesome material!!!!

Monday, November 14, 2011

God is Great, Beer is Good, PEOPLE ARE CRAZY!!!!!

No, this blog isn't about country music, which I despise by the way. But the title of that country song just cracks me up and can sum up so much about life! Recently, whenever I come across someone who does something nutty, I just quote the title of that song and bust out laughing.

Now I don't profess to be sane. Just ask my family. They can tell you I'm one crazy bitch, especially when my WV Mountaineers are on TV playing football. But I know for a fact that I've never entered the wrong house and slept in someone else's bed, or gone up to a total stranger and asked them to be my facebook friend, or had a complete blowout in someone else's toilet when my own house was right across the street. Yes, those are all true little tidbits from people I have met.

I also love the misguided confidence of some folks. Last fall, one of the Dads on Ryan's football team was sporting a home arrest ankle bracelet most of the season. Now I don't know about you, but I would damn sure wear long pants to hide that piece of jewelry when I came out to watch my son play, but he didn't have a care in the world about it. He just wore his jorts like it was any other day. Then when I was PTA President of Ryan's elementary school, we hosted a FAMILY movie night. Some Mom dropped off her 8 year old child unattended for the evening while she went out clubbing. I had the unfortunate task of telling her it was not a "drop off event" when she came to pick up her child (who was the last kid still there). She got right in my face and proceeded to yell at me with her tongue ring and tell me a thing or two!!!! Really lady???? Who drops off their kid unsupervised at an evening event so they can go out on a date?

But hands down, the winnah, goes to the guy who came into the emergency room many, many moons ago when my husband was still doing his training in another state. He had a pencil stuck in his urethra. When the doctor asked how the pencil got there, he replied that he was painting on a ladder naked and he fell off the ladder right onto the pencil and it just got stuck in there. Now, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck yesterday so I'm pretty damn sure it didn't happen that way. As I like to say, "God is Great, Beer is Good, PEOPLE ARE CRAZY"!!!!!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Red Wine and Real Regrets

What is it about red wine that just makes you do crazy shit? I mean there is nothing bettah, than a fine glass of red wine, with a big, juicy steak, or just sippin' a glass by the fire on a cold winter's night. But DANG, there is a fine line between the good stuff and the cheap crap that makes you go plum crazy!!!! Or perhaps it is the amount you ingest no matter what the quality.

I can remember one night my friend Collette and I closed down a local establishment after a few too many glasses of red wine. The bar tender thought it was a great idea to invite me behind the bar and mix up a few slippery nipples. Don't need to ask me twice Mister!!! I started throwing the silver cocktail mixer in the air like Tom Cruise in the movie "Cocktail" only to miss catching it and causing quite a mess all over the bar and my new silk blouse. Not to mention I couldn't exactly pour the contraption into the glasses. Guess I'll never make it as a mixologist.

And maybe it's just women, or perhaps it's just my particular group of friends, but after a few glasses of red wine, the conversation invariably turns to sex. Now in my opinion that is the best advantage of drinking the red stuff!!!! Last night I went out to dinner with my friend Heather. We had a few glasses of red wine, and yeppers, the conversation turned to sex. And I'm talking belly busting laughter over one of her former boyfriends who stylized his own version of "The Porn King Move".

Of course let's not forget drunk dialing, tipsy texting and a new one I discovered last night. In my red wine haze I accepted a facebook friend request from a guy I don't even know, who says he's single and interested in women. At least we have more friends in common than just Kid Rock.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Busted at Da Krispy Kreme

Everyone who lives in the south knows that you push and push and push your kids to do well on their report cards. Why? Because every 9 weeks, for every A they earn, they receive 1 free Krispy Kreme donut of their choice. My older son Conner, who drives now, was WAY too cool to wait for his little brother when report cards were issued the other day, so he drove himself to Krispy Kreme and got his booty.

So, Ryan wanted to wait until today, Veteran's Day, to get his free donuts. As luck would have it, he woke up feeling sick, but he still wanted his free donuts. Being the good mother that I am, I trucked on over to Krispy Kreme with his report card in hand and the list of his favorite donuts. Everyone else in Wilmington had the same idea of going to cash in their A's today at Krispy Kreme since school was out 'cause the place was packed. I stand in line and dutifully wait my turn.

I order Ryan's donuts and the lady gives me her best 5 tooth smile and says $6.34. I proudly hand over Ryan's report card. She looks at me like I'm some sort of criminal and says, "Da chaal haz to be wiff you!" I replied, "Excuse Me?" I said, "Da chaal haz to be wiff you!" It took me a moment to realize that she meant that my child had to be with me in order to take advantage of the free donut deal. I was so mortified that I handed over a $10.00 bill and said I was sorry but that he was home sick. I never waited for my change, just hung my head like I just got busted trying to shoplift or something.

Lesson learned: Nevah Evah try to pull a fast one over on Da Krispy Kreme!!!!!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Anyone Care for a Chicken Pox Lollipop?

How about these people who are promoting saliva soaked tissues and infected lollipops to spread chicken pox to their children who have not yet had the virus? Their reasoning is because they don't want to take the chance of their child having a potential life threatening reaction to the vaccine. Call me crazy, but give me the old shot in the arm doc!!!!

I also heard about "Pox Parties" where parents take their healthy kids to play with kids who have chicken pox so that their healthy kids will get the chicken pox "naturally", instead of having to go to the doctor for the dreaded vaccine. DANG, the only type of "ox" party I'm entertaining these days is a Botox party. Seriously folks!!!!

Here's a novel idea, maybe some genius can invent a Botox infected lollipop so I wouldn't have to keep getting those dreaded injections. Now there's one type of lollipop I would suck on ALL day long baby!!!!

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Michelle Duggar- 20th bun in the oven

Michelle and Jim Bob announced they are pregnant with their 20th child. WHOO HOO!!!!!! I mean 19 kids really is an odd number, you may as well round it out to 20. Geez, and when does their reality show turn into a freak show? I have never seen the show, but I'm thinking they are waving the freak flag wanting to have that many children.

Of course people do have addictions, and maybe Mrs. Duggar is addicted to being pregnant and having babies. As for me, I'll stick to my vino vice thank you very much.

The Duggars do have plenty of kids right now for a baseball team, and if they try REALLY hard they can have enough in a few years for a full fledged football team. GO DUGGARS, I know you can do it!!!!!

Now I don't know about any of you with more than one child, but I only have 2 kids, and I mix up their names all the time. I can't imagine mixing up 20 names. One day as my 11 year old was leaving for school, I called him by his brother's name. He said, "Mom, you have had 11 years to figure it out, and you still can't get it right." That caused me to have a big old belly laugh. Maybe the Duggars get big old belly laughs times 20? We can only hope.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Justin Bieber- Baby, Baby, Baby, O Baby, DADDY??????

So who really believes in a million years that Justin Bieber fathered Mariah Yeater's baby? I mean does the Bebes even know how babies are made?????? Isn't he still in the wet dreams stage? Seriously? Not to mention the fact that this deal would have had to happen an entire year ago when the guy was even more naive. And have you seen the chick making the claim? WHOA!!!! A far cry from the gorgeous Selena Gomez with a rap sheet no less. Yea, I'm bettin' my bottom dollar that Justin's DNA test is going to prove he is not the father, just like the last guy she pinned it on.

Don't get me wrong folks, I ain't no Justin Bieber fan, but some things are just plain ridiculous. The Bebes a Baby Daddy? Naw, can't be!!!!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

You Don't Fork Around With a WV Redneck!

Now some of you have heard this story, and if you have, you know its worth repeating. For those of you who have not been privy to this story, sit back and enjoy because its a WHOPPER!!!!  A couple of weeks ago, on a random night about 11:30PM, our doorbell rings. My husband Jeff sits down his nightly drink of Gentleman Jack and water and saunters over to answer the door at this late hour. No one is there but he can hear teenage laughter. Well, Jeff may be a plastic surgeon by day, but as the old saying goes, "You can take the boy out of West Virginia, but you can't take West Virginia out of the boy". When things like this happen, those close to Jeff refer to Jeff as "Uncle Jeffy".

So, Uncle Jeffy gets in full WV redneck mode, and goes outside in his barefeet to find the hoodlums who rang his doorbell 'cause Uncle Jeffy don't take kindly to folks messin' with his property. He goes around the back of the house but no luck. Then he hears them in the neighbor's yard. Uncle Jeffy crouches down in the natural area between our yard and the neighbor's yard and sees a discarded box of plastic forks. The damn hoodlums forked our yard. For all of my northern friends, I recreated a picture of what forking looks like on a smaller scale. In PA where I grew up, when we wanted to be hoodlums, we threw eggs at people's houses, not put plastic forks in their yards. How damn lame ass is the fork thing really???? By the way folks, in case you don't know, forking means F@#! You. Anyway, this fires up Uncle Jeffy.

Uncle Jeffy is in all out stealth mode and about 3 feet from the hoodlums hiding behind some trees. He is ticked off because he doesn't have shoes on in this natural area where there is surely snakes and other critters, because he would really like to reach out and grab one of the hoodlums. Instead he waits for the perfect moment and jumps out right in front of them, waving his arms like a lunatic, and yells, "You ring my doorbell again I'm going to kick your a@! you little di@#s!!!". The three teenage hoodlums looked at him like the crazy man he was, screamed their little heads off, and one of them looked down between his legs because he obviously had an accident in his pants. Then they tore off running toward their house. Yep, them boys ain't never seen the likes of no West Virginia crazy redneck before!!!!!

Guess those boys won't be comin' round these parts no more. 

Sunday, November 6, 2011

My first attempt at Blogging (sounds kinda dirty)

Well here it is folks, my attempt at blogging and keeping you all entertained. Why blogging you ask? Well, SO many of you have told me over the years that I crack you up, or that you find me funny. I never really thought of myself that way, but with the invention of facebook, more and more of you have told me that you so look forward to my facebook posts and that they give you a daily dose of laughter and a chuckle.

Laughter can do so many things for people. It can put a smile on your face when you are down, it can put some much needed joy in your life, or it can just make a good day even BETTAH!!! So here goes.....

Yep, that's me standing with my guy Anderson Cooper at the CNN studios in Atlanta. He's larger than life to me and I'm just in awe of him. I pose for goofy pictures like that all the time and my kids run for cover. Good thing my husband has a great sense of humor!!!

The title of my blog, "Just Keepin' It Real, Folks!" pretty much sums up my style. For those of you who know me, you know I'm a straight shooter. I call a spade a spade, and you either like that or you don't. However, I try to inject humor into the situation. If you find yourself in any of these blog posts (don't worry I will change all names to protect the innocent), please do not get offended. Rather, be flattered!!!! Think of it like that Seinfeld episode where Elaine wonders which man will be sponge worthy. If you make it here, you are BLOG WORTHY. WHOO HOO!!!!!!!

I sure hope you will find the humor in my observations of every day life as much as I will enjoy bringing them to you.