Sunday, February 26, 2017

Redneck Red Carpet Review

The Oscars are tonight folks and the celebs are in full on fluff, puff and blow dry mode as we speak. The cleanses and microdermabrasions have been completed, and there ain't a pair of Spanx to be found on the shelves in the entire state of California. But sadly, with the recent discovery of another solar system, scientists say these new life forms have invaded our beloved performing artists' minds, which explains their erratic behavior of late.

Yep, the good ol' days are gone when the most shocking thangs we saw on the red carpet were some of these epic designs:
Cher 1986
Demi Moore 1989
Whoopi Goldberg 1993
Bjork 2001
Diane Keaton 2004
Helena Bonham Carter 2011
And it's a crap shoot now what the aliens will allow to spew out of the winners' mouths when they have the honor of standing at the podium. Ya can't really count on the run of the mill thank you to the cast and crew, or a tear jerker message to Momma, or even the occasional plug to some obscure nonprofit. So for my own mental stability, I can no longer watch award shows until word on the street is that the aliens have been extracted from our celebs and returned to their own planets. Hopefully Hollywood will then return to the Hollyweird we all know and love. Until then, I prefer to remember a simpler time with my all time favorite Oscar speech:
Pictures: Here


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

You Can Teach an Old Bitch New Tricks

Hey folks, I am living proof that you actually CAN teach an old bitch new tricks. Look, even my dog is trying to get in on the action. So, this new game my 16 year old is trying to teach me is called spikeball. Check out my amazing concentration and phenomenal hand eye coordination. Uh yea, not so much. I lasted about 5 minutes and the only thing that spiked was my blood pressure. The object is to try to keep the ball on the trampoline. Let's just say anything involving me and a trampoline usually does not end well, because what goes up always comes back down.  But, the important message is that I tried and realized that I'm much better suited for spiking the punch!
Even though that first attempt at learning something new pickled me off, I tried again with my friend Lisa and we ventured out into the world of  Pickleball. Now I'm trying to be Kosher about it, but I feel confident we are gonna dominate this sport. It's not too sour and it's not too sweet, which is just right. If you relish the idea of a cross between tennis, badminton, and ping pong, then pickleball is the sport for you. Plus, for anyone who is middle aged, you will be the youngest person on the court by about 20 years so you really feel like a big dill. I mean why pickle on someone your own age when you can crush the competition. How's that for some spear-it? With a few more lessons I envision us blasting the Vlasic rock and getting into a few pickles just for fun.
So there ya have it folks. It may take more than one try to teach an old bitch new tricks, but you're just gonna have to dill with it.

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Redneck Red Carpet Preview

I got a golden ticket, I got a golden ticket! That’s right y’all, this little ol’ redneck not only scored a ticket to attend the Golden Globes with the date of my choice, but to also dress the stud to the best of my ability. Dang, I guess my years of bein’ on the D list for my Redneck Red Carpet Recaps moved me up the food chain.

So, the first order of business was to decide who would be my date. Of course I wanted to be escorted by a nominee, because if I’m gonna attend one of the biggest fashion events of the year, I wanna have the paparazzi in my date’s face as much as possible screamin’ and hollerin’ for him to turn this way and that for a photo op. But how can a girl possibly choose between such amazing nominees like Ryan Reynolds (swoon), Denzel Washington (classy), John Travolta (icon) or Bob Odenkirk (quirky)? It sucks to be me.

Then after surfing the entire list of nominees, it hit me like a giant wave. The animated film Moana is nominated for two Golden Globes, and its demigod star just happens to be the reigning Sexiest Man Alive. I screamed to myself, “Oh Yea Girl, go big or go home!”

Yep, I’m walking the red carpet with none other than Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson tonight, and I have styled him in a classic black tux. In a tribute to the movie, as well as to his partial Samoan heritage, I decided to add a pop of color with an island print bow tie and matching pocket square. Of course one of the reasons Dwayne looks and feels his best is because he’s wearing Tommy John underwear underneath that classic style. Nuthin’ is bunchin’, pinchin’ or saggin’. Just sayin’!

Now I’m sure y’all will understand why I can’t post my regular Redneck Red Carpet Recap tomorrow with all the hits and misses of tonight’s fashions. Here in Hollyweird they have after parties, and my fantastic date was nice enough to invite me to the Moana splash.
I might be a redneck but I ain’t nobody’s fool. I beat that other bitch in the mud wrestling contest to win that golden ticket for two reasons: 1. When the big wave hits, I want to personally observe Tommy John’s claim of how their undies support a man in all the right places; and 2. Secretly I’m hoping The Rock forgot to pack his Tommy Johns for the after party. WHOOP WHOOP!
Images designed by Max Gamble



Monday, September 19, 2016

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

The Emmys were last night folks, and even though I couldn't watch the actual show 'cause I would rather poke a stick in my eye than see the ultra annoying Jimmy Kimmel, I did check out the stars arriving on the red carpet. My award for the most grounded, least entitled, and enthusiastic of all invitees goes to the child actors of Stranger Things. Wow, they were most impressive in their interview. Now on to the fun shall we.
Tracee Ellis Ross is a vision in white.
I see how Mandy Moore started to peel the layers of her dress away like an orange.
Jil Soloway channeling her best David Arquette.
She dropped 'em red in this number!
DANG let's hope Kristen Bell didn't get Lost in the Garden of Eden.
Leave it to Kerry Washington to make pregnancy look stylish and sleek.
There should be lemon laws against this.
So sad that Sarah Paulson had to wear pond scum. But, she did win the Emmy for prosecuting that scum OJ Simpson so it ain't all bad.
Sarah Hyland looks like a live version of a cocktail table.
If I wore this, I would be pissed too!
Images: Here and Here 


Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Taco Tuesday Theory

It's Tuesday, and it's dinner time, and that means Taco Tuesday right? Very true, but it's also time to test out a little theory that's been eatin' at me for quite awhile. Do tacos have a direct correlation to sex? Maybe y'all can put on a sombrero, pour yourself a margarita, and help a girl out by taking the test and letting me know.
So here's the thing. In my most unscientific method, I asked a bunch of men and women if they preferred hard or soft tacos. The results were overwhelming. Guys like 'em soft and chicks dig the hard ones. And just in case someone thinks I'm not bein' PC, yes, I did include gay and straight folks in my unofficial survey. 
Women apparently realize length is not what matters in their taco. Just look at how thick that hard shell is stuffed! Girth is where it's at baby!
Guys on the other hand stuff their meat into a soft shell wrap and like it all nice and tight.
And what does it say about someone who enjoys eating those hard and soft shell combinations?

Y'all see the connection here right? I can't believe Taco Hell and Chipotle haven't picked up on this idea yet. The marketing companies could have a fiesta with this. Sex sells! Now someone just needs to test out whether folks who prefer spicy sauce are chandelier swingin' wild and crazy in the bedroom, while those who like mild sauce are Saturday night missionary style only.

Dang, now it's Taco Tuesday and I'm hungry and horny. OLE.

Images via Google Images


Friday, August 19, 2016

Ryan Lochte Rap

I seriously tried for hours to make a rap video, but I failed miserably. My family members (bless their heart) tried in vain to help, but I was hopeless 'cause white chicks simply can't rap. Apparently I can write lyrics, but I can't spit 'em. However, you can use your imagination and put these lyrics to Vanilla Ice's "Ice, Ice Baby."

Stop, Collaborate and Listen
Ryan Lochte in the bathroom pissin'
A security guard he be dissin'
All his medals he might be missin'
Ryan with your hair so white
Word on the street you got in a fight
Not with muggers as you claim
But with yourself, what a shame
Lies, Lies, Baby
Lies, Lies, Baby
Ain't no doubt when you in dat pool
You a winnah and you really rule
But you makin' up stories and that ain't cool
'Cause now you look like a big ol' tool
Come on dude whatcha be thinkin'?
You lose your morals after a night of drinkin'?
There ain't no shame in gettin' drunk
But that don't mean you can act like a punk
Lie, Lies, Baby
Lies, Lies, Baby
You represent America in this Olympic game
Instead of glory you bring home shame
You won those medals made of gold
Now you in trouble 'cause of the lies you told
You lied to your mother!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

Trumped by the Crowd

Hey folks, if you ever have the opportunity to attend a presidential political rally, one thang is for sure, it ain't boring! Despite your personal beliefs, you can have a great time no matter if you are on the left, right, or some where in the middle. Yesterday, Donald Trump visited little ol' Wilmington, NC. Even though my friends and I had tickets, the fire marshal denied entry to us and about a thousand others 'cause the joint was too packed. Not to worry, 'cause we had a blast outside and made the most of the situation.

Here's my top 10 reasons why you should attend a political rally:
1. The entertainment is free.
2. You meet some nice and interesting people while standing in line for hours.
3. Suddenly you appreciate having friends and supporters in this world. No one wants to stand alone.
4. When you realize you are as orange as The Donald ya know ya gotta start makin' some changes!
5. Ya gotta respect the creativity of the protestors.
6. Friends on the inside with a bird's eye view will hook you up with pics.
7. If you are real lucky, you might spot Clark Kent in the crowd.
8. The enthusiasm of our youth is encouraging.
9. You can get excellent photo ops of all VIP's at the exits.
10. Standing outside in 100% humidity for over 3 hours allows you to fit into your skinniest jeans for at least 2 days without having to do a nasty cleanse.
Photo credits to Sue Gallagher and Preston Lennon.