Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Dainty Decathlon

It's my first Wacky Wednesday since I re-entered the blogosphere, and DANG there's been some weird and wacky happenings around the world this past year. Folks (including me) freakin' out about Ebola, missing airliners, Kim Kardashian tryin' to break the internet with nekkid pics of her giant ass, The Biebs arrested for a whole host of legal misdeeds, Bill Cosby's squeaky clean reputation tarnished forever, troubled star Amanda Bynes havin' yet another meltdown, Solange Knowles openin' up a can of whoop ass on Jay Z, and Mama June hookin' up with a known sexual offender. I realize this is just scratchin' the surface, but sometimes I swear life would be a whole lot less complicated if we could go back to the way thangs used to be before the couch jumping incident. That damn Tom Cruise screwed things up but good for all of us!  
 The wackiest story dominating the news lately is Bruce Jenner's transformation from male to shemale. I don't really know if transgender is the correct term for Bruce right now, so let's just go with Bruce Gender 'cause that has a nice ring to it. Now back in the day, I think I speak for most menopausal women when I say Bruce was one damn hot lookin' MAN, and I do mean MAN.
 Now, not so much.

However, the good news is that Bruce can use his celebrity status to make a few interesting changes at the Olympics. Since he no longer has the physique of a strappin' stud like his glory days as a decathlon gold medalist, maybe he can lobby the Olympic committee to include more dainty like events.
We can obviously keep the broad jump, but how about competitions such as the stiletto sprint, the lipstick leap, the cross dressing discus throw, the Spanx shot put, and the hairspray hurdles? And let's face it folks, with Bruce's new moobs he's sportin' there needs to be an Olympic event to pay tribute to those suckers. The push up bra pole vault perhaps?
 
 
Images via Google Images

Monday, February 23, 2015

Redneck Red Carpet Recap

I'M BAAAAAACK! Did ya miss me 'cause I sure did miss y'all. I gotta admit that I'm REAL rusty so please bear with me. For my first time back in the saddle in so long I thought I would start with an old fan favorite and recap the fashions from the Oscars last night. Who watched all the glitz, glamour and geeks? Oh yea, that was just Neil Patrick Harris. Seriously, like I always told ya, if Kelly Osbourne with her lilac hued hair is somehow qualified as an expert on celebrity fashion, then I'm more than qualified to give my redneck opinion.
Anna Kendrick lookin' purdy as a peach.
Jamie Chung as the human sparkler.
A train conductor posing as Will.i.am.
Lupita is PEARLfection!
Is it any coincidence that Dakota Johnson wore a red dress for the red room of pain with a whip like thang around her shoulder? I think not.
Zoe Saldana is my pic for true goddess.
David Oyelowo showin' Birdman his 1977 prom tux.
Naomi Watts bringin' back the tube top underneath the disco ball.
Everything's comin' up roses for Rosamund Pike!
Nicole Kidman wore Oscar nominee Benedict Cumberbund around her waist.
Is anyone seriously lookin' at JLo's dress?
WOW, one of my childhood cartoon characters Sigmund the Sea Monster was seen walkin' the red carpet.
Tim McGraw magically grew some hair while Faith Hill lost her luscious locks.
Poor little Lorelei Linklater stopped off at a Chinese restaurant before the big event but got picked apart with some chop sticks.
And last but not least, there was a bit of a wrinkle in Reese's interviews 'cause her Botox injector needs to be fired! Speaking from experience, ya can't have a flat screen TV on the lower center forehead mixed with lines and interference up top 'cause ya look like your picture tube is on the fritz.  Ya either gotta go full on flat or just go au natural. 

Well folks, there ya have my redneck red carpet recap. I tried to keep it real for ya. Oh yea and don't fret, I will update my header sometime before the year 2035. I didn't want to throw too many changes at ya at once. That's bad for the psyche.

Images: http://nypost.com/2015/02/22/2015-oscars-arrivals/#1

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Bye Bye Blogging Buddies

It's been over 2 years and 467 posts since I started this gig.
That fact alone makes me want to do a little jig.
But as they say, all good things must come to an end.
So it's time for this weird and wacky blog to follow that trend.
Yes folks this is my final swan song.
I'll spare ya a pic of a giant schlong.
It was my goal to provide you with joy and laughter at my place.
At the very least to put a smile on your face.
I know my humor is too warped for some.
But that is still better than being gloomy and glum.
As we start off the New Year
I'm bustin' out home renovations in high gear. 
Just look at this shit on my bathroom wall.
Whoever did that had some kinda gall!
After 20 years, 2 boys and a dog, the carpet has got to go!
Lemme tell ya, my house ain't never gonna be on show. 
Sadly I don't have time to read and write anymore.
'Cause my lame brain can only handle one kinda chore.
Plus all my spare time is gonna be spent playin' Mother hen.
In a few short months my oldest is leavin' the den :(
I will miss all of the amazing friends I met along the way.
You made me feel special each and every day!
All of you faithful readers, I hold you in my heart so dear.
Your love, support and friendship became very clear.
I wish for you, all you dream of and more.
All the best in twenty, one, four!
 


Friday, December 27, 2013

Christmas Crap

OK folks, what do you do with that tacky, piece of crap you opened from your Great Aunt Gertrude? Instead of putting it into the Goodwill pile collecting dust until your lazy ass gets around to loadin' up that junk and makin' the run to your local drop off point, why not have a PAR-TAY? I have been havin' a Christmas Crap party for about 10 years where I invite my friends to come and bring the shit they received for Christmas and we all exchange. One gal's trash is certainly another gal's treasure. The stories you hear about who gave who what, and where so and so got this or that is truly a hoot! There is not a dry panty in the house at this soiree!!!
This was my all time favorite crapilicious prize I received several years ago. I had to cat fight for this bad boy, but that bitch knew if she ever wanted to be invited back again she better wave the white flag and give up Santa to the hostess. A little jingle when ya go tinkle just makes my day!! Through the years there were many other craptastic items like meatloaf pans, nose hair trimmers, white zinfandel, ugly picture frames, Land of the Lost videos, and Dolly Parton CD's that the chicks have fought over. I can't wait to see what hot ticket items were unwrapped this year. Of course no long term theme party would be the same without mascots. These gems were actual gifts that were received by seasoned Christmas Crappers, but are now Hall of Fame Christmas Crap Mascots:
Aren't they craptacular?