Saturday, May 25, 2013

Weekend Wisecrack

I'm looking for a nude beach this summer 'cause the thought of bathing suit shopping is even more frightening.
Posted by at 8:00 AM 8 comments

Friday, May 24, 2013

Holy Spicoli Sean Penn!!!!

Holy crap, when I saw this photo in my local newspaper the other day of Academy Award winning actor Sean Penn it sent me racin' to my computer to get the Sweet and Lowdown on his birth date. I knew we were about the same age in The Tree of Life and I wasn't far off. Mr. Penn was born August 17, 1960. He's only 2 1/2 years older than me. HOLY SPICOLI!!!!! As I'm turnin' nifty fifty this year, I'm payin' more attention to the aging process more now than evah. From the looks of thangs, I think it's Fair Game to say Sean may have had a few more Fast Times at Ridgemont High than most folks. I don't know what's on Taps at his house but I sure as hell don't want any. Although I do like me some Bad Boys, it's nice to be able to see them At Close Range without losin' your cookies and Milk. I doubt even all The King's Men can save this Dead Man Walking.

Posted by at 7:00 AM 22 comments

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Doggie Delight

It's Wacky Wednesday time again, and I'll be doggone if my friend Rossie didn't find another local blogworthy news story for me. DANG, folks here in southeastern North Cackalacky have really gone to the dogs.
There's 24 year old Jeffrey Bynner, from the county right next door to where I live, who is charged with "unlawfully, willingly, and feloniously committing the abominable and detestable crime against nature with a Chihuahua dog". No other details are available other than he is currently not in the dog house, but still in the big house under a $10,000 bond. Well, Drop My Chalupa folks, 'cause all I can think about is the famous Taco Bell dog sufferin' through some rear entry at the hands of that beast.
Obviously Mr. Bynner takes that Yo Quiero Taco Bell (I want some Taco Bell) slogan pretty seriously. He wanted more than just the run of the mill dog meat served on the menu hey? That stuff makes me sick as a dog, hence my term of endearment "Taco Hell", for the hell it causes to my digestive system. Guess the dude was seriously jonesin' for some real doggie style action. Just imagine the size difference between Mr. Bynner's big burrito and the tiny tamales that little canine was used to feelin' in her taco. I can't help but think how truer words have never been spoken in a commercial when the Chihuahua said back in the day, "Uh Oh. I think I'm going to need a bigger box". That poor doggie's box is probably stretched to the size of a chimichanga after all that penetration.

At least we now know Mr. Bynner is takin' it like a dog with Bubba and the boys. Perhaps I will send him this poster to hang up in his cell to give him somethin' to dream about at night. After all, everybody has a movie star fantasy don't they?


Story: Here

Posted by at 7:30 AM 23 comments

Monday, May 20, 2013

The Booby Prize


    Could one of you be the big WINNAH in Florida of the estimated $600 million Power Ball? I suppose if you are, you ain't takin' the time to be readin' any blogs this mornin'. Rather, you are holed up somewhere with your inner circle, and hopefully some high powered attorneys and financial advisers to help you sort out your new windfall. Obviously I'm still poundin' away at the keyboard at this high payin' bloggin' gig 'cause I was a big LOSAH. On the 7 tickets we purchased, we did not even hit one single number. Not one, nada, zippo, zilch. How low can you go baby??? Now that's a loser!!!

    Uncle Jeffy went back to work today makin' the world a more beautiful place. Since people seemed to get a kick outta my FaceBook post yesterday regarding my booby prize, I thought I would share it with all of you:
    Deb Church
    didn't even get one stinkin' number on 7 Power Ball tickets. WTH????? Looks like I'll keep on makin' the big bucks with that stellar blogging career while Uncle Jeffy continues to make the world a more beautiful place one boob at a time.

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    So while some folks are obviously perfectly happy accepting the booby prize, I just want the WINNAH to know that I do believe I'm your long lost 33rd cousin twice removed on your maternal great, great Aunt's side. Sure would love to get together real soon and catch up. Hey, whatever happened to creepy Uncle Freddie who always sat at the kids' table during holiday dinners?   

     
    Posted by at 7:30 AM 20 comments

    Saturday, May 18, 2013

    Weekend Wisecrack

    Wonder what song is playing in her head?
     
    A special thanks to my awesome friend Hot Tamale for posting this video on FaceBook!!!!
    Posted by at 8:00 AM 13 comments

    Friday, May 17, 2013

    Buzz Kill

    DANG folks, yesterday when my friend Mindy texted me this awesome news story from Sweden about a horny guy dying after having sex with a hornet's nest I got busy as a bee writing my blog post for today. It appeared as if a 35 year old man known only as Hasse, who probably sported a buzz cut, had 146 sting marks on his body. The poor dude was even stung where he was hung 54 times. His neighbor described finding his body and said it was so swollen he initially mistook it for a whale carcass, but recognized him from the tattoo on his neck.

    The news reports went on to say that dried semen was found on some of the dead wasps, some of the man's pubic hairs were found at the entrance to the nest, and his fingerprints were on the hive itself. Nothing was reported from "bee"hind the nest. This led authorities to believe Hasse attempted to have sex with the nest when the wasps attacked and killed him. Talk about a buzz kill!!!!!

    But imagine how mad as a hornet this Queen Bee was when I found out the entire story was an internet hoax!!!  Uh Yea, I had some really funny puns for you dedicated readers today regarding that worker bee. Damn, those hoaxsters sure do know how to stir up a hornet's nest hey? That sure does sting!!!!

    Story: Here

    Posted by at 7:30 AM 20 comments

    Wednesday, May 15, 2013

    Three Card Monte

    Welcome to another edition of Wacky Wednesday folks where today I'm gonna cut right to the chase and tell ya how con men really play games. Instead of that ol' standby con trick with the three cards that anybody can learn how to do, hard core criminals play head games during their threesomes. They even cut their losses. That's right.
    Ashley Hunter
     Just ask head case Ashley Hunter of Fargo, ND who met up with his old prison buddy Orlando DeWitt at a bar back in February. They go back to Hunter's house for a party where DeWitt started kissing a woman named Leticia. Then I supposed Hunter wanted to play heads or tails and he picked heads. Leticia began to perform oral sex on Hunter while DeWitt was goin' at it doggie style. Obviously Leticia was at the head of the class in the dirty dog department 'cause when Hunter asked to switch positions DeWitt refused to pull outta the race.
      Orlando DeWitt
    
    That's when everything came to a head. Hunter then made a cutting remark and basically told DeWitt to fish or cut bait. DeWitt shoulda learned to go head first 'cause when he tried to head for the hills Hunter pulled out a butcher knife from his couch and stabbed him twice.  DAMN, that ménage a trois sure did cut like a knife. I guess the lesson here folks is two's company and three's a crowd hey?
     
    Thanks so much to my friend Rossie who posted this story on his FaceBook page. What perfect Wacky Wednesday material!

    Story: Here
    Posted by at 7:30 AM 17 comments
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